Load 2013-22

I just had the most incredible hookup that I’m not allowed to tell you about – the guy begged me not to write it up. So all I’m going to mention is that 1) we’ve hooked up before, and 2) he’s totally my type.

The thing that struck me about the encounter was that I saw him very differently… With most of the other bottoms I see them as fuck holes / pieces of meat / objects to be used. With this guy I felt total infatuation. The word that was going through my head as I fucked him was “love” though I’m not stupid enough to actually elevate it to that level – it was a heat of the moment thing – a heavy dose of eros with a bit of fake agape mixed in. (See the 3 types of love for more info on what I’m referring to).

With most guys I fantasize about semi-abusive situations while I fuck them – where they have to put up with being cumdumps or they’re worthless pieces of meat whose only value is being a cumdump. For example, with one of my black fuckbuds I fantasize about going back in time and having a bunch of house slaves who would service me and my guests sexually. But with this guy I fantasized about having him as a cumdump boyfriend – someone who wasn’t an object for me to use, but someone who I was head over heals infatuated with. I fantasized that he loved getting bred by groups of guys and so I’d organize a couple gangbangs a week for him – not to be abusive, but because he loved it, and because the only way he could get more perfect was if his ass was overflowing with cum.

I know all that sounds like a really complicated fantasy – it’s actually much more complicated to describe than it is when the complete, fully-formed thought pops into my head. But what I’m getting at is that for once there was this warmth and tenderness toward the guy I was fucking – and it was really nice to experience. And it got me to shoot an enormous load up his ass

Load 2013-21

This weekend a friend asked my boyfriend to spend the day with him which left me to my own devices. I knew there was a sex party in the afternoon and it seemed like good timing. So I check with my bf to make sure he was OK with me going and then cleaned up and headed over to the sex party. They had a deal where you got reduced admission if you showed up early. I got there right after they opened since I didn’t have anything better to do.

Because they had the special a few guys did show up right when it started. So it wasn’t like I was the only one there. A couple of them were pretty hot, but they were being body snobs and completely ignoring anyone who wasn’t as hot as they were. The other guys were OK, but at that point didn’t really inspire me to want to fuck. So things got off to a slow start – but that’s sort of expected when you go so early.

Eventually things did pick up. One of the bottoms was this short hairy guy with a big dick. I had sucked his dick a little earlier when he was standing against a wall. I hadn’t really pursued fucking him at that point, but later he climbed into the sling and I got down on my knees and ate out his hole. There are some asses that when you suck on them they get all puckered and the ass lips start protruding out – like a small prolapse. At that point you can actually start sucking on the prolapsed bit – it’s rather hard and feels a bit like a small dick – it’s sort of cool. Anyway he had one of those asses, so I played around with it a bit but didn’t take it too far. Then I got up and shoved into him slowly. He started complaining saying take it easy – which is rather funny ’cause I saw him nearly split a bottom in two with his dick earlier by not being gentle with his first few strokes.

Right about at that time they announced that someone had left their black t-shirt in the dressing area and they needed to claim it immediately. I had been wearing a black t-shirt, and was pretty sure it wasn’t mind, but I pulled out and went to check. That was a bit of a mistake, ’cause he wasn’t in the sling when I went back. Later on I did fuck him a little more, but never did get a good fuck with him.

The biggest problem with the party was that the really hot bottoms weren’t very friendly with “average” guys like me. There were some older bottoms who were willing to let me fuck them raw and I did fuck a couple of them, but they didn’t inspire me enough to want to cum with them.

There was a reasonably hot guy who was totally into me, but he stopped me after a few strokes, so that didn’t go anywhere.

Finally one of the hot young guys was standing around and I started playing with him. He didn’t seem to mind. He was playing with this other guy when I walked up, but when the other guy left to get a condom I moved in and before the other guy got back I had the young Latino bent over with my raw dick up his ass. He was pretty hot – nice body, fairly short, completely smooth all over (very much my type). His ass felt good on my cock. We fucked with him bent over and me standing for a while, but I really wanted to cum with him and I wasn’t able to do it standing up. So I took him over to a small cushioned thing (wasn’t really a bed) and got him flat on his stomach and started fucking him. That felt a lot better and there were a couple times when I felt so close. In fact I’d think I was cumming, but then couldn’t feel anything come out.

Finally after trying and trying my dick started going down, so I stopped and apologized for not giving him a load. Thing is, in hindsight I’m pretty confident I did give him a load. There are times when I don’t feel it, but based on how my dick reacts after I’m pretty sure I did actually cum.

After that my dick was pretty useless – which is how I figured out I came. I took off my cockring and put it around my wrist and walked around for a while. I continued to amuse myself here and there by sucking some dick (as I’d been doing the entire time), but when guys would grab my head and start really face fucking me that was too much and I’d stop it.

Finally with my dick not cooperating and no more willing bottoms who really inspired me, I left. I may not have fucked a lot of guys but I still had fun. I’m liking going out to highly sexual environments where I can fool around. Wish there were more of them in NYC.

I am so sick and tired of meth addicts. These days I usually don’t bother with guys who are partying, but… The day after Jockstrap Night I was seriously horny ’cause I hadn’t cum and had had Cialis as well as herbal stuff, and with a hangover I wasn’t accomplishing anything, so I figured I’d hookup. This really hot tattooed muscle guy hit me up and wanted me to fuck him. I could tell he was seriously tweaked, but hot muscle guys can be fun – though when they’re partying they can be so flighty and unfocused that they’re bad lays – it’s a crap shoot with them. Well, my horniness won out and I said yes and headed over to his place.

Even before I went over I could tell something was up. He took FOREVER to respond every time I’d send him a message. In my experience that’s typical for meth addicts – time just passes at a different rate for them or something. They get distracted briefly and forget they’re chatting with someone online, etc.

So as I headed down to his place I tweeted “Headed to fuck a hot tattooed muscle guy but suspect he’s seriously tweaked. Fingers crossed.”

With WiFi & cell service in the subway these days I started receiving texts from him wondering where I was. I gave him responses but then he’d ask again a few minutes later. It wasn’t looking good… He was also rambling on about how he wanted me to humiliate him for having a small dick, etc. That’s all good, but usually guys who go over the top are in it for the fantasy, not the reality – so it made me worry just a little.

As I was crossing the avenue, about to get to his place he texted me and said “if the front door of my building is stuck I promise someone will cross over very soon too. We are having access issues.” Then a moment later he texted “I’m doing this”. That sent off huge warning bells. I started to see what was going on in his mind. I figured he was probably the type who couldn’t have sex unless he was high because he wasn’t honest enough with himself and comfortable enough with his sexual desires to do it while he was sober. But when he’s high he can tell himself “I’m doing this” / I’m really going to go through with it.

Then he texts me a pic of his ass (to the right) which reminds me why I’m there. I mean, a hot ass is a hot ass and can be a lot of fun to fuck.

I get to his building, press the buzzer and he buzzes me in the first set of doors, but I can’t get in the 2nd set of doors. I figure that was what he was talking about and don’t worry about it. I buzz again but he can’t get me in the 2nd set of doors.

Now at this point any sober person would have run down and let me in. But no, he stays in his apartment and continues texting me… “Are you in?” to which I reply “Throw on some shorts and come down shirtless to let me in” thinking it would be fun make a guy who’s high semi-expose himself to his neighbors. He responded “Give it 2 min please? If nobody works out I’ll get dressed.” I figured why not…

Then he texts me saying “I’m so spread open right now” and sends me a pic of his abused hole (to the right). I guess he’d been using a dildo on himself or something. Tight hole, loose hole, whatever… But he follows it with “Please come up and use me. Please.” To which I respond “Come down and let me in”. I mean time was passing and I was starting to get frustrated. But instead of coming down to get me, he replies “Get up here and split me open. Grrrr.”

Grrr indeed… With the frustration mounting I text him “I’ve been waiting 5 minutes already”.  Does he come down and get me? No. Instead he tries to do a FaceTime call and when I don’t answer that he sends me a video of himself talking to me.  Seriously? I mean I’m right down in your lobby. If you want to talk to me, come down and let me in…

A few minutes later I text him “I’m about to leave”. You’d think that would get him off his ass and down to let me in. He replies “Seriously?” and then a bit later “I just made a you a movie. I’ll come. Fine.” At this point I realized I didn’t want to fuck him anymore and I knew deep down that that meant I might as well not even try – it wouldn’t go well if I did.

So I left and from the street I sent “It’s 10 min. I’ve left. You’re fuckin’ rude.” Of course THEN he replies “I’m on my way” and I just reply “I’ve left”. He tries to blame the door for the problem and then winds up calling me “lame”.

At this point I’m over being semi-polite… “No. meth addicts are never worth the trouble.” He comes back with “You’re gonna start throwing names and crutches? I’m rude? Have a nice evening.” (BTW, if I didn’t mention it before – it’s noon when all of this is happening.) I challenge him by saying “Am I wrong? Don’t think so.” In other words I was 99% sure he was a meth addict. I didn’t call him any names that weren’t true. He response just didn’t make sense…

I asked you to give a couple min to allow a scene to carry on.

That’s all.

I’m sorry you’re upset. I wish you a good night.

“Allow a scene to carry on”??? To me that means he gets off making guys wait. Or maybe he didn’t mean that at all – who knows. The “good night” comment literally at noon (12:03 to be precise) was too funny. So I just figure I’d be brutally honest with him…

It’s not night. You don’t even know the time of day. You haven’t had a sense of time since I started messaging with you. Because you’re high you have no clue what 10 min of waiting feels like to someone who’s sober. Meth is going to kill you or at least make you a sad version of the person you could be. There’s nothing hot about you right now.

That was the end of the conversation. Never heard another word from him. I don’t know if being tough and brutally honest with a meth addict is even the right approach. But I do know that saying nothing and just letting them continue on accomplishes nothing.

Hopefully when he’s sober he’ll look at the string of texts and see things differently. Not sure that will help either though. I mean what does it take for a meth addict to stop doing meth?

So I went with my bf and a friend (@PortaUrinal) to Jockstrap Night this past week. I think you all know which bar – I’m not going to mention the name just because DOH may not be happy with what I’m about to write… I hadn’t been to a jockstrap night before and wasn’t sure what to expect. Actually the idea of a jockstrap night didn’t really appeal to me in the past because I was self-conscious about how I would look in a jockstrap. Even this time I debated and debated and took picture after picture of myself in the mirror in a few different jockstraps I own. But to me I looked fat in all of them. Finally I settled on a black one and figured I’d wear a black t-shirt to go with it to sorta make me look a bit less fat.

I wasn’t expecting my bf to go. He likes PortaUrinal on a social basis, but gets grossed out a bit by the whole piss drinking thing. But PortaUrinal talked my bf in to going. I knew when that happened I couldn’t be quite as much of a slut as I was hoping to be, but I was hoping it would still be fun.

Then after all those photos I changed my mind on what I was going to wear at the last minute. I wanted my ass covered a little bit more than the black t-shirt was going to do, so I switched to a blue t-shirt that went a little lower and covered the top of my ass. And then I changed to a white jockstrap, since it went better with the blue t-shirt. I put on my jump boots and a pair of jeans and we were off.

I was a little worried about how I’d perform. For days prior I’d been pretty asexual – I literally felt like I had no sex drive. I mean mentally I wanted a night of being slutty, but my dick was like “eh, whatever”. So to whip it back into shape I took a Cialis that morning, and when that didn’t seem to be kicking in adequately I took part of an herbal pill. The other performance issue is that I typically don’t get hard when I drink. And we drank 3 beers at home before heading out (and then I drank 3 more pints at the bar). So things were stacked against me a bit.

We got there and it was pretty quiet. As much as I’m self conscious about my body, there were guys there who were clearly not self-conscious about their bodies. Like really big, older bears/chubs who just let it all show. Some of them are sorta cute bears, others were, um…. “not so cute”. But the bar is really accepting of whatever – it’s one of the things I really like about the bar. Not that I want to look guys I don’t find attractive, but knowing they’re accepted means I will always be accepted.

Not much was going on sexually ’cause the crowd was so sparse at first. Usually the bathrooms are where the action is on other nights, but that night the bathrooms were empty and you started seeing guys pairing up and groping/whatever over by the bar. Then after a while it progressed a bit more and the guys who were paired off were one guy backed up against another guy. Then those guys were in some awkward positions and you just know the guy in front had the other guy’s dick up his ass – and they were just standing there pretending (badly) that they weren’t actually fucking.

At one point PortaUrinal and my bf went up to the roof for a smoking break and this guy started coming onto me. Of course, with all self-doubt about my body the first thing he did was ask me to take off my t-shirt. I figured what the hell and just did it. My stocky/husky build is generally appreciated at that bar.

Then another guy came up and the one guy was playing with both of us. Dicks got massaged, and we all sorta got hardons. Mine wasn’t fully erect, but close – which is good for me given that I usually can’t get it up when I drink and I was on my 6th beer of the night. The other guy who was playing with us had an really thick dick with a mushroom head that stayed hard as a rock. I liked him a lot he struck me as really submissive. Later on I told him I liked how submissive he seemed and he said he’s actually mostly a top. Well, if he’s a top then he’s probably a really gentle top – which isn’t a bad thing…

Then a crowd developed around us, and with the crowd we got a bit more privacy so dicks were pulled out of the jockstraps and we just jacked openly. I should mention that I was wearing the big 11mm ring in my PA – which guys seemed to sorta get off on. One guy got down and started giving me a blowjob – which is never easy with a ring that big.

One of the guys around us was this twink. He’s actually a bit too old to really be a twink, but in the context of that bar he was a twink. I had commented to the thick dick guy when he first came up and was just standing near us (before the crowd formed) that I found it a bit funny how twinks these days have no qualms about showing it all, but then are pretty inhibited when they go to play. And on that note I was completely wrong for the second time that night… Guess who was the first guy who took the action from jacking and a little sucking to full on barebacking – yup – the twink.

The twink was actually a top – so going against stereoptype in yet another way. His dick was nice, but not huge. It would be a great dick for fucking someone who doesn’t usually get fucked – big enough to do the job properly but not so big that you’re going to hurt the bottom. The guy he was fucking was this older guy (50ish?) who was in great shape. He had a beautiful smooth ass.

I got pretty hard watching the twink bareback the hot daddy. I figured I’d see if I could get a turn, so in preparation I took out my PA (it would have been a complication) and in the process I dropped one of the balls. I tried to look around for it but couldn’t see it. I was thinking “shit – that was like a $75 ring – I really need to find the ball”, but I just put that thought off and concentrated on keeping my dick hard so I could fuck.

When the twink was finished the hot daddy rotated around and I took my turn.  The nice part was there were mirrors in front of me so I could watch for security behind me as I fucked (since you’re not supposed to be fucking in NYC bars). The guy’s ass felt great, but given all the performance stuff going against me I couldn’t cum. I gave him a good fuck and tried to cum, but finally felt like I was hogging his ass. My dick was softening a bit anyway, so I pulled out and this hot Latino took my place.

I looked around a bit more for the ball for my PA and couldn’t find it. So I just stayed in the area until the action died down and the crowd thinned out a bit. Eventually security did come around (after the fucking had stopped), and the guy gruffly told us to put our dicks back in our jockstraps. At that point people scattered and I was finally able to find the ball for my PA. I put my ring back in (and my shirt on) and then positioned my dick so my PA was poking out the side of my jockstrap. I liked being an exhibitionist to that extent… Think I’ll do that in the future as well…

That took a while. I was a little worried about my bf… Thought he might not like seeing me in the middle of all that, but he paired off with a hot black guy and they were having some 1-on-1 fun of their own.

Afterwards I walked around and just before we left (2:30ish) I noticed the bathroom stalls had gotten really active. You could see two sets of feet in each one. So next time I gotta remember to take my action in there to have more privacy and be able to fuck more.

So all in all a fun night. I didn’t cum, but I was happy just to be able to fuck a hot ass.

I need to do some banner ads for my own sites, so today I was looking through the images that I have full rights to. I came across pictures from a video I shot in August 2010. I don’t think I’ve posted the video anywhere, but the images were a little disturbing…

I look seriously fat in that picture. Let’s just say it was a phase and there were other things in my life that were important. And I know some of you like chubs. To those guys I want to say a huge thanks for keeping me feeling sexual and desirable through the years that I was that weight. I mean some guys really get into heavy bears and chubs – case and point is StockyDudes.com.

That’s a rather big belly hanging down there. Now here’s a similar shot from last July after I started losing weight…

I think that’s about 20 to 25 pounds less than the first set of pictures, and I think I’m now down about 10 pounds from that picture.

Guess I need to do another video so I can have more comparison pictures.

One way or the other I don’t want to go back to what I looked like in those first pics. Now I just need to find the time to go to the gym…

The other day I got to thinking… I was wiped and just wanted to relax. Mentally I was a bit horny, but just didn’t have the energy for sex. All I wanted right at that moment was a good massage. The funny part is that if a submissive bottom had given me a massage in the process of unwinding I probably would have gotten a hardon and a 2nd wind and would have wound up fucking him and giving him a load. But the idea that the fuck and the load were expected of me made me not want to deal with bottoms who were looking to get fucked.

And really, I think most sub bottoms have forgotten what it means to be submissive. They equate submissive with passive. Submissiveness is about service – meeting the needs of your top at the expense of your own needs and desires. In my experience there are a lot of passive bottoms out there, but very few truly submissive ones. Or maybe I just don’t communicate that I want more than a fuck. Still, if a bottom started giving me a massage when we were having a quiet moment – would I stop him? Absolutely not.

The thing is, it’s more than saying “I’ll give you a massage”. It’s about there being zero pressure for sex. You may hope for sex, but you shouldn’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

On a similar note I spent Sunday cleaning our place. A sub bottom texted me in the middle of it. I told him I was cleaning. He made it clear he’d be up for coming over and helping with cleaning. But he didn’t make it clear that he’d be OK with just helping with cleaning. I got the impression that he’d trade cleaning for sex. That’s not submissiveness. If he had made it clear that he’d be happy just cleaning, I might have said “come over”. And if he had played his cards right – say stripping down and cleaning in the nude – then he might have gotten fucked. But I wasn’t looking for a “fuck the houseboy” scene. I had to get the cleaning done.

So my advice to true submissive bottoms is stop looking for sex. Instead ask yourself what the top needs in that moment and give him that. Sure, do it in a way that may lead to sex, but don’t focus on the sex. In the process I think you’ll get plenty of sex and you’ll probably find a boyfriend/SIR in the process since you’ll be more than a fuckhole to the top.