First the good news…

The Dutch have figured out that a person who is diagnosed at 25 will live an average of another 52.2 years – meaning they live into their upper 70s and have a pretty normal lifespan. So as we’ve sorta known for a while now – HIV is genuinely going from a “killer” to an “inconvenience” and that tren will probably continue as years go on. I don’t mean to diminish how big of a hassle being poz can be, but if you get diagnosed quickly and generally take care of yourself, it would appear you no longer need to worry about your life being cut short because of HIV/AIDS. But getting diagnosed fairly quickly is essential…

[That should be very good news for the 18 y.o. Teen Cumhole I talked about in my last post...]

Now for the bad news…

The bad news is that they’re not so optimistic in Africa. The South Africans are suggesting that everyone who becomes poz be put on meds immediately whether they need the meds or not. When you think that a lot of the people who are dying of AIDS today are people who are having serious complications from the meds they took 10 and 20 years ago, that’s a dangerous policy. I’m all for people taking the meds they need, but I’m a fierce opponent of medicating people who don’t need it.

The issue here is really one of which comes first – the rights of the individual or protecting the wider community from the danger posed by the individual? Americans will usually say the individual comes first, but in Europe and elsewhere the community comes first. But I think it’s important to remember the good news from the first part of this blog post – IF you get diagnosed early and are financially able to get treatment there really is very little risk to the community. But in poor countries like South Africa they don’t have the money for great treatment and so they have debates like this. I just hope no one in the first world tries to make an argument for mandatory medication… That would just be horribly wrong.

A guy just wrote me the following letter. Thought I’d share it..

First off… Big fan of your Porn work. I would always search your name in my favorite search engines. But then I ran across your personal web page and started to read your personal blog page… I know that what you are talking about doesn’t always show all the aspects of you… meaning that in the context of what you are talking about(or selling/advertising), doesn’t necessarily show the “real” you, I was however,disappointed.When I looked at you, I saw a caring, responsible, loving person, characteristics that your blog doesn’t portray. I hope that you are more then what your blog portrays you as, ( an uncaring, selfish lover, only interested in his on satisfaction). In the real world, we as gay men want a satisfying sex life, along side a satisfying LIFE as whole, coming home to someone that loves you, not any “hole” that you can “fill up” and then send on his way. As a professional in the Medical business,( a mental health therapist), I can tell you that the “holes” that you are “filling up”, are actually lonely human beings looking for companionship anyway that they can, and feel that the only possible way to do this, if only for a short while, is with their ass in the air waiting for you to fill up, not only their asshole, but also the hole that they have inside themselves trying desperately to fill. But sadly, after you are through with them, it leaves them with only a bigger hole to fill the next time.

I hope that you take this into consideration when looking for you next “hole” to fill.

My response to him was this…

It’s not my job to fix the emotional problems of the bottoms I fuck. It sounds like you want me to form relationships and deep bonds with the bottoms I fuck. I’ve got a boyfriend and if I were putting my emotional energy into what you’re asking it would threaten the relationship with him. That’s not going to happen. When I fuck a bottom it’s no strings attached. In most cases I do cuddle with the bottoms afterwards, but chances are it’s just going to be a one time hookup. And I do mention cuddling and talking with the bottoms in my blog.The “empty holes” you’re talking about need meaningful friends. They need boyfriends. While I’m a firm believer that you can find those by having sex (I met my bf in a bathhouse and we’re still together 12 years later), finding friends shouldn’t be the the reason someone has sex. The people who try to find friends in sex often wind up in the PNP crowd and destroy their lives in the process.

So don’t lecture me about how I act towards the bottoms I fuck. Their problems aren’t going to be fixed through sex. They’ll be fixed by going out and spending quality time with friends, and by finding a boyfriend. I’m guessing the people you’re talking about are picky and have passed on many guys who would be really great boyfriends. And then when they find one it’s either the wrong type (someone who’s abusive), or they don’t know how to compromise and lose him… None of that is a sexual problem.

Let me make something really really clear… If you’re one of those holes he’s describing – ask yourself why you’re lonely. Choose to fix the problem. Go out and get involved with something and make some friends. Play a sport, sing in a choir, join an S/M group – whatever… And then give your friends the attention it takes to maintain the friendship. If you’ve got friends and don’t like coming home to an empty apartment/house – get a dog (and give it the attention it needs).

And if you find a boyfriend, treat him well and learn to compromise. When you feel like breaking up ask yourself what percentage of the relationship works. No relationship is perfect – if you dwell on what’s wrong, you will break up. Concentrate on what’s right. If what’s right isn’t enough, and you’re honestly not looking for perfection, then that’s a decent reason to break up. Or if there are serious issues like the guy being genuinely abusive – then leave (quickly). But I honestly think the reason why I’m still with my bf 12 years later is because we put up with each other. Overall we’ve got a great relationship, but there are times when we have big problems and little things that irritate each of us – but we put up with the things we don’t like and get back to what’s right – that’s why we’re still together.

Now, if you’re a “hole” then something in you likes the sex. You’ll definitely want to find someone who’s OK with random, no strings attached sex. Monogamy is probably a really bad idea in your case. Sexually, your boyfriend should get off seeing you get fucked or when he discovers someone else’s cum in your ass… I think sluts think they can’t have boyfriends. I’ve never understood that – what good top wouldn’t want to find his boyfriend’s ass is prelubed with someone else’s cum?

And for god’s sake – just because you’re a sub bottom doesn’t mean you have to be passive about getting into a relationship. Even subs can communicate what they want… “I’d love to stay here and have you fuck me all night”, “I’ll do anything you want Sir – if you want other guys to fuck me, I’m OK with that”, “You can call me anytime – I want as many loads from you as possible”… And if a sub can communicate what they want, then anyone can… Don’t assume you have to let the top take the lead in initiating the relationship – make it clear you’re available and interested (without coming off as too needy or desperate).

Anyway, enough of my soapbox. I know the holes I fuck are real people – but the “empty holes” aren’t going to have the emptiness filled by cum and anonymous sex. That takes real relationships and they take more time than a 15 minute hookup (or even an hour hookup)…

I’ve corresponded with the guy some more… Turns out he used to be straight – was even married with kids and his boyfriend has “a similar background”. He’s in a pretty small town and has had sex with very few men. So bottom line he has a straight / small town sorta mentality about sex. He doesn’t even know anyone who’s really a cumhole – so his talking about them feeling empty, etc. was all just idle speculation. That sorta explains it, doesn’t it? Amazing how guys like that think they understand things they have no experience with.

Here’s an e-mail I received… I get a lot of questions like these, so I thought I’d share my answer and let others chime in as well…

Hi rawTOP,

I know you’re really busy (I read your blog, huge fan) so I’ll try to keep my fan letter brief. I can tell you’re a really smart guy. You don’t sugar coat your opinions, and you don’t back down from your positions. This makes your writing extremely gratifying and affirming to read. I know I can point my browser to your site, read some hot, mind-blowing posts, blow my load, and be happy for the day.

I guess that this is the problem. Lately, I’ve gotten more and more preoccupied with bb sex (reading about it, thinking about it, beating off to it). I used to think of your blog as a simple “safety valve” for these raw fantasies. But now, more and more, I’m finding myself swayed by your astute and foreceful arguments.

I guess, to get to the point, I’m hoping you’ll give me some guidance in this. I’m 22, just graduated from a really good school (ivy league) and since the job market is so shitty and my degree (liberal arts) is so useless, I’ve been escorting a bit to pay my rent, which has actually been really fun. I’m in a young, uninhibited time, and I’m plagued by hot dreams of going “all the way” as it were, taking raw loads from all cummers (generally, while vers for “professional” reasons, I’m a happy sub bottom when I’m off the clock).

In your extensive experience, do you think I should just go for it already, and maximize my fun while I’m young and carefree? Or do you think there are other factors I need to consider? I’m very curious about your opinion, since I look up to you. Do you have any words of advice?

My response…

You didn’t mention whether you were neg or poz. If you’re poz it’s simple – be a cum dumpster and have fun. There’s actually research out there that poz guys who take loads do better since their body is constantly being asked to defend against new strains of HIV. Fighting the other strains of HIV actually helps the body fight it’s primary strain of HIV and keep viral levels relatively low compared to poz guys who avoid sex or rubber up.

But I’m assuming your neg – hence the angst. Every person is different – there’s no single correct choice. There are guys for whom it’s not a question – always bareback or always with a condom is just 100% natural for them. The fact that you’re even asking the question says something, but like most of us you’re probably in the middle somewhere.

I can’t make that decision for you. All I can do is give you some guidelines… First would be to be realistic. If becoming poz would totally freak you out – don’t bareback. But also don’t pretend there’s no risk or never think about the risk. Be honest with yourself. There are ways to reduce the risk of bareback sex – but never pretend you’ve reduced the risks to zero. And whatever you do, if you become poz – don’t blame someone else. It’s your life – take control of it and own it.

Look at other areas of your life and ask yourself what sort of person you are… Do you take risks just to experience things and have fun or are you more calculated in your risk taking? Pick an approach to sex that’s consistent with who you are on a fundamental level.

These days you’ll probably live a long life even being poz, but it will probably cut short your retirement. If that’s not OK with you, then reduce your risk.

If you’re not familiar with PrEP you should read the article in The Daily Beast. The guy who wrote the article contacted me a couple weeks ago, but I didn’t have much of anything interesting to say other than the fact that I’m completely against it…

If you’ve never heard of PrEP here’s a little history… It comes out of the concept of PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis) where they give people who are exposed to HIV drugs for a month after exposure to prevent HIV from taking hold in their bodies. It’s a particular mix of the same anti-retroviral drugs (ARVs) that people with HIV take. It was proven effective in hospital workers and then they started giving it more broadly to guys who had guilt after a night of raw sex.

Well, PrEP takes that a step further and thinks if ARVs are good after exposure then maybe negative guys who are barebacking regularly should just be on ARVs all the time. It’s PRE Exposure Prophylaxis.

Let me put this bluntly – you should only take powerful drugs like ARVs when you have a serious medical problem and you have no other option. Taking highly toxic drugs when you don’t need to take them is just stupid. Think about all the side effects and the damage they can be doing to your body. Developing a resistance to ARVs before you need to be taking them is stupid as well. Don’t be stupid.

Personally I think that PrEP is a product of guilt and fear. Guilt from having unprotected sex, and fear of HIV. It’s never smart to make decisions based on guilt or fear. You need to live a life where you don’t regret your decisions. If you’re going to bareback (especially if you’re bottoming), be honest with yourself and accept the risks. Barebacking is a risk/reward situation like all of the others you encounter in your life. If you can’t deal with the risk, don’t bareback. It’s really that simple. If you’re living a life you’re ashamed of, taking loads and then regretting it the next day – then I pity you… You should be getting off on the loads that are leaking out of your ass…

It’s really a choice of a long life filled with fear and shame or a somewhat shorter life where you feel good about yourself and your choices, and you make the most of every moment – including every moment of your sex life. To me it’s not even something I have to think twice about. I’d rather live to 70 and enjoy the moment than live to 85 and feel like I missed out.

I’ve heard poz guy after poz guy say that becoming poz changed them for the better. While they wish they were still negative, finding out they were poz changed their outlook on life and they get more joy out of their life now than they did when they were neg. My boyfriend who died of AIDS years ago had a note on the fridge that said “Don’t Postpone Joy”. That is how you should be living your life – whether you’re neg or poz.

For some of you a life of no regrets means a life using condoms. That’s fine if that works for you. For the rest of you – embrace the risk (don’t fear it), and understand that it’s what comes with the reward of a fulfilling sex life – find the right balance of risk and reward, go forward and don’t look back… And for god’s sake, don’t fuck up your health by taking toxic meds you don’t actually need when there’s nothing wrong with you (other than guilt).

Back when Obama was running there were people who just couldn’t stand the thought of him getting elected – Obama gave them the willies. Back then I wondered out loud if racism wasn’t the reason for that type of opposition and a few of you slammed me for saying it. Well, it appears I wasn’t far from the mark and racism is at the root of “teabagger” movement that’s going on right now. It’s white people who can’t stand the idea that their President is black. We’re talking law and order, respect the commander and chief types who show nothing but contempt for their commander and chief. I’m not saying all teabaggers are racists, I’m saying that a good percentage of the most fervent teabaggers are indeed racists. The funny part is these people don’t like being called racists, yet there are almost no Blacks or Hispanics among them.

Take a look at this clip from Fox News – they go on and on about the race issue. They try to excuse it by saying “the majority of the US is white and middle and working class”, but the fact of the matter is the teabaggers are not representative of Americans…

So why is this relevant in the context of this blog? It’s because it’s all about bigotry and the same bigots who don’t like Obama ’cause he’s black (actually mixed race) don’t like you and me because we’re gay. George W. Bush won both elections because gay marriage was an issue in the campaign and the same haters who you see out at these protests are the same ones who got riled up back then. It’s not just about race, it’s about hatred and bigotry in general.

Those of you who are gay and support the teabaggers – please think twice. What comes around goes around and the hate you’re feeding on can come back and bite you or someone you care about in the form of gay bashing or employment discrimination.

The message here is all forms of hate and intolerance are wrong. (Intolerance of intolerance is a double negative and not the same as other forms of intolerance.) There is no room for intolerance in a civilized, multicultural society. If it doesn’t stop with us (a minority group), who is going to stop with? The sooner a live and let live attitude spreads the sooner people will stop being upset by us fucking in bars or sex clubs… The problem is the teabagger movement shows that’s a long way off. Many of those people aren’t going to change their minds, but their kids and grandkids might…

Honestly, when I see stuff like this I just wish New England and New York could split off from the rest of the country and form our own nation… We’ll even take Quebec!

But as they say, success is the best revenge. I’ll just keep my head down, work hard, live a comfortable life, fuck who I want how I want, and thank god I live in a generally sane place like NYC…

UPDATE…

Wow, I write the post above and then it comes out a few hours later that President Carter feels the same way. He’s saying it with the experience of someone who cut his teeth in Southern politics during huge race wars. There aren’t too many other people with his level of credibility and experience who can speak on this issue. Listen to this clip – his words are worth hearing…

I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he’s African American. I live in the South, and I’ve seen the South come a long way, and I’ve seen the rest of the country that shared the South’s attitude toward minority groups at that time, particularly African Americans. And that racism inclination still exists. . . . It’s an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply.

It’s just sad our country is going backwards like this, but in thinking about it – we’ve had some rough times in our country – we’ll get past this…

A really hot site site has just been relaunched – Butt Machine Boys. So I figured I’d promote it. While it’s not a bareback site, it doesn’t have condoms either and it’s all about guys getting their holes abused. But before I promoted it I figured I’d find a place that sold fucking machines. I found the machines for sale at Mr. S. Leathers (a big San Francisco-based company), and saw that they had an affiliate program, so I signed up. Unlike most places they review you before you get approved, so I waited. Two days later I got the following response:

Thank you for your recent application for the affiliate program. I regret we can not approve your application; you have a pretty extensive website with videos, scene reviews and erotica but as a company that contributes greatly to HIV/AIDS research and health organizations, there is a conflict of interest when considering websites with the focus of unprotected sex.

I hope that you can understand our decision and know that we pass no personal or professional judgments. If I can be of assistance in the future, please feel free to contact me.

Needless to say I had to reply

No, actually I don’t understand the decision at all. By not engaging with people who bareback you’re losing the opportunity to talk with them and express your views to them. How will you ever change anyone’s mind by rejecting them and not talking with them? I’m giving you the opportunity to get traffic from a bareback site (and btw, I’ve got condom sites as well). What you do with that traffic is up to you. If you want to show safe sex messages in the side bars – it’s fine with me. Prior to now I respected you guys. I’d much rather give you guys traffic than Extreme Restraints, but it doesn’t look like that will be happening…

Think about this for a moment… There are a lot of blogs like mine that talk about barebacking but almost none that talk about safe sex. Add to that there are very very few that talk about what it’s like to be poz. And then people like you wonder why guys don’t try to stay neg. You’ve turned inwards and then wonder why your message isn’t relevant and isn’t getting out. That will only change if you start actively engaging people who don’t agree with you.

So no, don’t understand your decision at all. While it disappoints me, given IML’s antics lately, it doesn’t surprise me.

The bottom line is that Mr. S. Leathers doesn’t want to be associated with you. So if you’ve shopped there, stop. Why would you give money to a company that doesn’t like you?

Now the one piece I’ve gotten from Mr. S is the leather hood I put on bottoms… The question is how to handle it… I’m thinking I’ll give them credit to make it clear they’re associated with bareback porn already. Maybe I should even title the scenes things like “Bareback bottom in Mr. S Leathers hood never sees the guys who breed his ass”.

But seriously – how in the hell do they expect to achieve their goals and make the changes they want to make if they refuse to engage with the people they want to change? People amaze me sometimes…