Went to Callen-Lorde today, got tested… Still neg. No big surprise there though there are some of you guys who who seem to just assume I’m poz - I’ve had more than one of you tell me you want my “charged load”. Well, it’s not charged…

I’m not saying I think I’ll stay neg forever (who knows?) - just that I’m OK with the risk, and if I become poz some day I’ll just deal with it. But that day isn’t today.

Well, here’s honesty for you… Turns out my cockring mishap was sorta for the best… Later that evening I noticed what looked like a little “discharge”, but it wasn’t the normal yellow thick stuff that would indicate I had gonorrhea. I almost wondered if it was piss or precum or something… My dick had been a little “itchy”, but that happens when my PA gets irritated, but itchiness plus something else I pay attention to (which is why I was looking to see if there was discharge in the first place). So I made an appointment to go in and see the folks at Callen-Lorde. Then on top of that it burned when I pissed first thing yesterday, so I knew I had something… Bottom line I saw the doctor there yesterday and she thinks I probably had chlamydia. Oh well, it happens when you like fucking cumhole bottoms… [And yes, I did send e-mails to all the guys I had hooked up with in the period specified by the doctor...]

So yesterday my bf and I had had a small argument over the phone. It was over something that cost less than $10 (plus some effort in doing something), so really wasn’t major but neither one of us handled the situation the way we should have. I had forgotten about it by the time he got home, but he hadn’t and he was in this pissy mood. I gave him the better part of an hour to chillout and when he didn’t I figured I’d go out and have a drink and give him more space to cool off.

So the question was where to go… I just wanted some dark bar where I could “be alone in a crowd”, so to speak. I hadn’t been there in years, but Rawhide seemed like it would fit the bill. Rawhide has been around for 30 years now and feels like an old bar (in a good way)… If nothing else I knew there would be go-go dancers I could watch. Rawhide turned out to be a surprisingly good choice…

I wasn’t expecting to talk to anyone. The other day (after the hookup with “the hole” and the research study), I had gone to Gym Bar and, other than some quick remarks about how badly this cute tattooed Latin guy and his female friend where playing pool (it took them 4 tries to hit the balls on the break, and went downhill from there), no one really seemed to want to talk to me. And I was looking really cute that day too - I didn’t get it. But at Rawhide it was completely different…

The first guy to approach me was this handsome older guy (probably 60ish). He said he managed a mostly wholesale business in Brooklyn. He was pretty intense and sorta all over me (with little bit of touching), but while the conversation was nice, there came a time when I wasn’t into it anymore. I went and got a beer and didn’t go back to talk to him.

They had two go-go dancers at the bar - one was a guy who looked like a big, muscular Israeli, the other was a black guy with a huge dick who must have taken Viagra^® or something, ’cause it never went soft - the whole night. When the Israeli got done dancing he spent like 20+ minutes talking to an older guy. It was really clear the Israeli guy was looking for “work” when he got done go-go dancing. Then there was this other beautifully built guy who was fully clothed but always talking to older guys… Him I tagged for an escort as well. It was weird seeing so much escort work going on at a “neighborhood bar”. At the same time it was discrete - I talked to two “regulars” (below) who had no idea there was escorting going on. They were looking right at it and not understanding what they were seeing. I guess it helps having been an escort to understand what was going on…

One of the weirder parts was there was this guy who brought a female co-worker into the place and they stayed for a long time. She wasn’t the type you’d expect to hang out at Rawhide (at least not for very long)… Very weird, but the guy who she was with was pretty cute (and really short too!)

There were two guys playing pool most of the night - a cute little one and another one who looked a tad “alternative” (all black clothes, shaved head, goatee)… We chatted for a while and when the cute little guy heard my theory on the escorting going on he went right up to the Israeli guy and after some serious flirting and a $5 tip, asked him what his price would be for a night… Turns out the guy charges $600…

As the night wore on it was really clear the ‘alternative’ guy was into me. In fact, it got to a point where he was sort of all over me, we were kissing, feeling each other up, etc. He saw my wedding ring early on, and made it clear he knew there were limits. When I said I wasn’t looking to hookup, he said he expected as much… Still, I was drunk (4 pints of Stella by that point) and we started making out a bit. He was hard and kept having me grab his ass… I guess it could have been fun, but I don’t “function” that well when I’m drunk and the whole probable chlamydia thing meant it was a no-go even if I had wanted to try…

While we were sorta all over each other there for a while, we didn’t make nearly as much of a scene as the gaggle of bears that were there. Two of them had their shirts either off or pulled over their head showing off their big bellies. And I mean big bellies - these guys were probably 300 lbs or more… And the pants on one of them kept riding low - so there was bear crack to be seen as well. I found it amusing but the cute little guy was a little put off by it.

So all in all it was a really fun night. I haven’t had that much fun at a bar in a long time. Guess I should do it more often…

Today is “National HIV Testing Day”, so I’ll give my pitch on HIV testing - which won’t be quite what you hear from others…

For the most part, the people who die of AIDS these days are people who don’t get tested and don’t find out they’re poz until it’s too late for treatments to be effective. There’s no need for those deaths… None whatsoever.

If you’re worried what it will mean to test positive - give up that fear and go get tested. Becoming HIV positive today is not the death sentence it once was. In fact, there’s a good chance you’ll die of something else - like old age or in a car accident or something. But that’s not the case if you don’t get tested. Then the chances are you will die of AIDS.

In other words - don’t be afraid of HIV, be afraid of not knowing your poz.

You don’t have to get tested every 3 or 6 months unless you want to. The goal here is to catch your HIV before it starts doing really nasty shit to your body. You’re probably fine if you catch it within a year of infection - but definitely don’t wait more than 2 years between tests. There are strains of HIV that are more aggressive than others that need to be treated fairly quickly.

If it’s been more than a year since you had an HIV test, get tested this week…

Last night when I was laying on the floor playing with my dog I noticed a book on my shelf - “Epitaphs for the Living“. It was published in 1989 and I bought it shortly after I came out. It’s an incredibly somber book. Has pictures of people with AIDS with their hand written notes below the picture. I want to quote from some of them…

There’s a picture of two guys sitting on a bed. One has his arm around the other… Each gave their perspective, but one is especially poignant…

Life is such a precious gift! It has been very hard to watch life melt away from the one I love and I can do nothing but be there and love him with all my heart. I love you Pat.

Another picture is of a guy in a turtle neck most guys would say was pretty hot…

Thank you, Billy, for a beautiful photograph. Its how I want to be remembered; happy, attractive, self satisifid and content with lie. But in many ways the photo doesn’t look like me. · It doesn’t show the K.S. lesions growing on my face + body. · It doesn’t show that I am half blind · It doesn’t show the fact that I’ve had 3 bouts of Pneumocystis Pneumonia in the past year and a half · It doesn’t show the fear I have of what may happen to my health either tomorrow or 6 months down the road · It doesn’t show the sadness, not only my own, but the sadness I feel every time I walk down the street and see friends and acquaintances who have been diagnosed. · It doesn’t show the anger I feel at having about 1/2 of my life whipped out from under my feet at the age of 30. · It doesn’t show the great discontent and anger I have form our government for having ignored this epidemic for so long while people were dying in every city in our country. · It doesn’t show the great amount of love + compassion I feel from my family, community + friends. · And most of all it doesn’t show the tremendous need for all sexually active people to learn about AIDS to protect themselves and their loved ones so the y won’t have to go through my pain or the pain of so many others who have gone before me and will continue to go after me.

David Brewster
San Francisco, CA
Diagnosed Oct 31, 1986

Then there’s a photo of a guy sitting in a barber’s chair in what looks like the middle of a living room or sun porch. He looks about 40…

Sometimes I find myself siting all alone wondering, after two years since diagnosis, where I will find the strength to continue to live with AIDS. I think living with AIDS can be the hardest part, not the dieing [sic].

Johnnie

Then there’s a picture of a black man looking out a window at a hospital. He’s wearing a denim jacket and glasses…

Being tested HIV positive has not been easy. You can’t really set any goals, except to thank God for letting you see the breaking of a new day, a day that none of us have ever seen before. I take one day at a time and hope for the next day…

Jim

Then there’s a picture of a very weak looking guy named Dave in a hospital bed. His friend/lover is at the end of the room looking out the window…

I just wanted to say how scared I was, I’m so sick of being sick I can’t stand it. The cancer on my skin has gotten so bad I’m afraid to be seen in public. I thank God for the support of all my friends especially Ernie and Michael and to know that they are there. It’s just sometimes for me it’s hard. Its hard being the one that’s always smiling and saying everything is okay. Sometimes I feel like its not okay. After working all the years I’ve worked I finally made a name for myself. It’s all taken away. I don’t want to have to settle for that. People say you should be happy to be alive. This to me is not living. But I’ll be okay. I’ll go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine again.

When I found I had AIDS it didn’t bother me as far as knowing I was going to die. Dieing doesn’t scare me, but leaving my friends did. I was always afraid of what was going to happen. I guess I was still scared…

Dave died before the book was published. His friends transcribed his words from audio cassette.

Which reminds me, one of the things I wish I had done before my lover died was to record his voice. I’ve forgotten what his voice sounded like…

Damn… I’m sitting here barely able to see the screen through my tears. All of you guys who think I don’t remember what it was like - that I’m somehow spitting on the graves of those who died - fuck you. I do remember. It’s just things are very different now. Very very different.

That was a time of death. Now we’re in a time of living. A lot of people who went through that are still very angry and their fears about things like HIV are very deep seated. I get that - this post has been really difficult to write because I went through it too.

While things have changed, if you don’t get tested your experience will be like the guys above rather than the healthy poz guys you see around you living normal lives.

Please get tested… Know your HIV status so you can live a long healthy life…

Thanks to LifeLube, I just discovered inSPOT which is a service that’s been around for 4 years that lets you anonymously tell other guys you may have given them an STD.

I’m not sure how I feel about it though… I mean this means the organization behind inSPOT could have a database of guys who are getting STDs… I prefer to tell guys myself when it happens (and appreciate it when guys tell me)… But I guess it’s better than nothing…

One of the big limitations is that you need the guy’s e-mail address. It’s too bad they haven’t partnered with the major hookup sites so you can send the same message to say a Manhunt profile.

No matter how you do it - tell partners they may have been exposed… STDs are a drag and if we’re just honest with each other and get them treated quickly, they’ll spread less which means fewer STDs for everyone - including you!

Middle of this week I felt an itchiness “down there”, Thursday I saw discharge… UGH! Here we go again. It was less than 6 weeks ago that I went through this. I really don’t need this again, but what do you do? I guess in a way I should be happy that I’ve got visible symptoms and can get it cleared up quickly.

The timing was too perfect - I’m 90% sure I got it from the guy the townhouse guy had me fuck. I also told the 20-year old I fucked briefly about it, but I doubt it was him, or any of the other guys before him. It’s theoretically possible, but far more likely it was the first guy.

So, having been busy with work, I wasn’t able to get to Callen-Lorde to get things cleared up until this weekend. I noticed on their website that it talked about a Saturday morning walk-in STD clinic, so I figured I’d give that a shot. Having been to the free clinic the City runs, I was prepared and got there early - absurdly early. I was the first one there. And I waited and waited. When they officially started seeing patients an hour later it was just me and one other guy waiting to be seen. There must be times when it’s busy, but today wasn’t one of them.

There are a lot of good things about Callen-Lorde, but today was one of my best experiences ever. The staff was in a super happy mood. There was zero hassle - they asked what the problem was, and gave the fix with zero judgments (unlike the last time)…

So, I’d highly recommend trying out the Saturday clinic if you’re in need of their services or just want to get checked out…

One weird thing though… Later in the day I saw two of the guys who work at Callen-Lorde walking down the street. Didn’t think anything of it ’cause it was right near Callen-Lorde. Then a few hours later we’re in line at Uniqlo buying t-shirts (another recommended spot), and who’s behind us in line? The two guys from Callen-Lorde, plus another friend. Weird coincidence, eh?

And speaking of STDs and coincidences, right after I picked up my pills at the pharmacy I got an e-mail from the big dicked top who was at the gangbang telling me one of his fuck buddies tested positive for syph, he was being proactive and warning the guys he’d had sex with. Personally, I think that was a bit of overkill. There’s no saying he had syph… Personally I would have gotten myself tested before notifying people I’d had sex with… But he was being really responsible about it (he even contacted the bottom before contacting me)… I give him great marks for being upfront about it…

And as always guys… If you’re fucking around a bunch - get tested for STDs regularly and treat things quickly. If you find you have something, let your partners know. If they have a problem with you telling them - they’re idiots… Stopping the spread of STDs makes everyone’s sex lives better!

First the good news (since I don’t want it lost in the middle of the post)… Once again I tested HIV negative. (Any neg, STD-free bottoms want a load from a recently tested top?)

However… The day after my last hookup it became abundantly clear that I had gonorrhea. It’s a pain in the ass (or dick in my case), but it happens. Like a good responsible top I contacted everyone who might have possibly gotten it from me (or who might have possibly given it to me) - five of them in all (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)…

I’ve had clap once (or twice?) in the past, but this time it was really pretty gross… Produced a lot of discharge and was really painful (not just when I was pissing). Unfortunately I had to wait until Monday to get things cleared up.

Then I got a message on Sunday from a hot guy who wanted to hookup. I told him I couldn’t - that I needed to clear up an STD - get back to me in a week… That was in the morning. In the evening he writes me and says…

u just have the clap. its kinda a non issue to me, i can get penicillin too. tonight perhaps?

My jaw dropped… I mean this wasn’t some skanky drugged out cumdump… This was the type of guy I would go out of my way to fuck - he really was pretty hot and totally my type…

Let’s put aside for the moment the medical issues of getting and STD. How does he think it’s worth it to have a quick hookup that requires him to spend hours going to a clinic, waiting, seeing a doctor, and getting a shot? I mean, in the least, it’s a significant inconvenience. It’s one thing when it’s an accident, but to willingly do a hookup knowing you’ll get gonorrhea is something completely different.

Lately I seem to be encountering more and more guys who are just being reckless/careless… Barebacking isn’t inherently reckless - you can be completely sober, and purposeful and still have a great time being a total pig. It’s just sad to see guys spiraling… I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, so it just doesn’t make sense to me…

So I went in Monday night to get things “fixed”. They did a quick HIV test and it came back negative, as I expected. The HIV counselor was great. The doctor doing the other tests was a bit old school. He gave me a lecture on how I should use condoms, and insisted on testing my butt for stuff despite the fact I told him nothing goes in there… And then he gave me prescriptions for STDs I didn’t have assuming if I had one STD, I must have 35 others. Whatever… Got my shot and everything has cleared up…

So guys - please take STDs seriously… Get yourself tested regularly, go to a clinic when you think you might have something, and notify your partners when you find out you do have something. ‘Cause frankly - our time is better spent fucking than waiting at clinics to get rid of STDs.