This is a critical period in his life so I wanted him to get his thoughts during this period down “on paper” since memories often revise how things really were to suit the thinking at a later time. It’s important to note that he had a hard time verbalizing what he was feeling when he was at IML. These are his thoughts two weeks later…

To the extent I was part of his story I’ve linked to the appropriate blog post where I mention him…

I’m not advocating that other guys take the same steps he is. But I think his thinking needs to be heard. Processes like this are how guys become poz, yet pubic policy “experts” rarely take people like him into consideration. They’re much happier with the simple stereotypes - like young kids on Tina, but I suspect guys like this guy are far more typical than the stereotypes. These are the guys who tell their healthcare providers friends and loved ones “it was an accident, I’m usually pretty careful”…

I wasn’t as much of a cum dump as I could have been. Sometimes I chickened out and stopped before they came, reverting back to old excuses I used when I wanted to get barebacked but I didn’t want them to cum inside me (”I’m getting sore, I already came, etc.”). I meant to go to a few total all out bb fuck parties but other things came up that prevented that (whether or not I did that consciously). And frankly, loads are at a premium even at IML … it’s like the busiest night at the hottest bathhouse, and bottoms are so easy to find that the tops were saving their cum for the fuck parties or for the next hotter guy that might be coming along asking to get fucked. So altogether I took loads from about 10 different men there (and got fucked at Steamworks by quite a few men where I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not they shot inside me.) I thought that was a pretty good total, from someone who has barely started taking cum up my ass and has never taken multiple loads like that.

So the question is: what made me start taking loads, no questions asked? It seems like a fundamental change from a former safe sex bottom who’s been careful to stay negative after about 20 years of getting fucked (I started out life with a girlfriend, and then as a top, before I discovered I love getting fucked at about age 25). It’s really just a progression in how i’ve changed my thinking. And fundamentally, it’s an acceptance of the extreme risk I’m taking and the consequences of taking that risk.

I’ve been described, by someone who observed me on the weekend, as a bug chaser. I don’t see myself that way. I know that’s the probable consequence of what I’m doing, but I’m not seeking to become positive. It’s more that I’m indifferent about the possibility of becoming positive. All things being equal, I would prefer to remain negative, I would prefer to be one of those incredibly few people that are essentially immune to the virus. I truly see it more as a progression of acceptance of risk. Or, probably more accurately, I see it as an example of extreme behavior that men often engage in, extreme sports, hyper-aggressive driving, drugs, gambling, whatever. It’s my version of that. Living on the edge, reckless or indifferent to the consequences because the thrill of living that way is adequate pay-off.

For the first 10 years of my life of getting fucked I never got fucked without a condom. I never bothered getting tested, because knowing my status would not have changed my sexual practice in any way, since I always practised safe sex. When I met my current partner over 10 years ago, we both got tested (me for the first time), and we fucked each other without condoms. That was a sea change in my practice. Before then, I wouldn’t even swallow cum. At the same time, medications started getting better, and people with HIV were starting, slowly and not so easily, to live longer and more manageable lives. And I started to relax my restrictions. I love sucking cock, and I started to learn and to love swallowing cum down my throat. I craved that moment when a man’s cock started to throb and I would feel his cum shooting down the back of my throat. One man I sucked off a few times I found out was positive, and instead of freaking out I figured, “it’s just a different place on the risk spectrum, and not so far along where I was before, the real risk of HIV transmission is fairly small”. I concentrated on making sure I didn’t get cum near my gums, that it was all the way at the back of my throat, etc. I started to negotiate risk with myself, always consciously and deliberately. I gave up the notion of absolute risk reduction that I held in my 20s and early 30’s.

Then I started getting fucked without condoms. Just at the beginning, to tease myself. Or out in the park where it wasn’t easy to find a condom. Or in a backroom somewhere. Just for a minute, or two minutes, making sure I didn’t let the guy stay in me long enough to cum. (Knowing that it doesn’t take all that long for some guys … sometimes I would ask them not to cum inside me, and sometimes I’m pretty sure they did but I ignored the meaning of that). In those days it was pretty standard practice to pull out even if you were fucking bareback. Pretty soon, at the baths, I would always bring my condoms but I was as happy as not if the guy didn’t put one on before he fucked me. But I would always (try to) stop him before he came inside me. There were the usual tactics (see above). But the guy would usually ask whether he could cum inside me, or I would make sure he didn’t.

Then I got a boyfriend (on the side) with whom I had intense and incredible sexual energy. The first time we fucked with condoms. The second time I told him not to bother with the condom, and when I knew he was close I asked him to come inside me. And he did. And that was that. We fucked for the next 2 years, and I revelled and gloried in taking his cum (and piss) inside me whenever I could. I craved it. I lived for it. When we broke up, about 3 years ago, I felt empty and became obsessed with him, with cum, with piss, with being filled, being fulfilled, and all of that. It was only a matter of time before I needed to feel all of that inside me again.

Last year at IML I hooked up with someone I had met online, and he fucked me, and he came inside me. That was pretty much the first time since my boyfriend. (My partner and I no longer have sex … I guess that’s part of the story too.) I knew the guy was negative. I thought it was hot. I then met up with another guy, an incredibly hot daddy, who was the closest to my old boyfriend I ever met. The energy was intense for me. But he was positive. I craved his cum inside me. He fucked me bare, but we didn’t go that extra step. I felt cheated. I wanted more.

Then, two months later, I was getting fucked by a fuckbuddy (who I’ve always known is positive) … he’s always fucked me bare but has always pulled out to shoot his load on my back … with incredible control, I’ve got to admit. In the last year or two he’s played with the idea with me of not pulling out, he’s asked me to ask for his cum, but I’ve always refused. It was hot, and moreso because it was forbidden, socially taboo, a negative boy asking for his daddy’s poz cum inside him. But this time, last July, he was fucking me, and telling me to beg for his cum, and I was saying no, and he said “Just say, ‘load me up’. And I’ll do it.” And something in me clicked, and I wanted it so bad, and I said to him “Load me up. Please.” And he said “yeah, I’m going to shoot inside you and you’re finally going to take my cum”. And then I panicked, and I said “no, please don’t, I don’t want it yet” and he said “It’s too late fucker, you asked for it and I’m finally going to give it to you.” And he was pumping me harder, and holding me down, and I was crying “no, fuck no” and he started to shoot his cum inside me, and I came, an intense orgasm, shot a huge load in his sheets as he was cumming inside me, for the first time after years of fucking, and it was one of the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had.

Since then, I’ve taken a few loads, but not so many. Some of them were poz loads. I’ve been tested since and I didn’t become positive. I’ve hooked up with some neg fuckbuddies and they dump in me regularly enough (about once or twice a month). I’ve become used to wanting and taking loads. And it’s at that point that I went to IML. I knew something would change this year for me there. I’d put my profile up on a bareback site. I’d talked openly with a couple of guys I chatted with before I got there about getting fucked and taking multiple loads of cum up my ass. I had planned to go to and got invitations to a couple of the bareback fuck parties. I tentatively planned a bareback fuck party of my own, inviting tops to come to my room one of the evenings to gang-bang me. I knew something would happen, but I didn’t know how far I’d let myself go. I wanted to have all the opportunities available.

I got my first load right away, from a neg top I’d been talking to quite a bit before I got there. Then I went to Steamworks, and lay on my stomach in my room letting pretty well anybody come in and finger my ass. Some of the men I wasn’t into, but the ones I was I lifted my ass and took some poppers and they knew well enough that was an invitation to climb on and fuck. The ones that wanted to put on a condom I told to leave. I got fucked multiple times, and I wanted to take loads, but by and large I didn’t get any (I only got one load for sure the entire evening, because men were walking in and out and fucking me for awhile but not coming). A few promised to come back and dump their load inside me at the end of the evening, but may have come by when my door was closed. But I had decided, by then, and for the rest of the weekend, not to ask status, to take loads from anyone, to let them cum inside me and to accept the consequences, whatever they were, and even to accept becoming poz, if that happened.

Why? For me, it was simply an acceptance of the risk. The benefits to me were immense … it was what I craved for years, to be a real cum dump, to take loads, multiple loads, from a bunch of hot men who wanted to dump inside me. To be completely and totally marked as a bottom. To have sex without fear of consequence. Asking status seemed redundant, or pointless, or somehow even rude. To accept loads from most men, why would I not accept loads from all? Chances are they might not know their status. I wasn’t going to insist on recent medical results. I wasn’t going to start asking for viral loads (on the theory that poz, but undetectable, men are as safe as neg men). If I was going to take one anonymous, unknown load, it seemed irrational that I wouldn’t take another one, or several, loads. I was clear-headed and purposeful in this decision. I would be (more or less) indifferent to who I allowed to cum inside me.

More or less. If I became positive, I would want to remember my sexual life (I would want to remember it in any event) as one of intense raw energy, of adventure and discovery, of hot sensual encounters that changed my way of thinking and of looking at things. I do not want men to fuck me, or cum inside me, just because they want to, or because I want some cum. I know this may sound contrary to what I’ve just set out above at great length, but frankly I don’t want just to get fucked by as many men as possible. I’ve got to be turned on by the situation, I’ve got to want the cum so bad it aches. So I organized a gang-bang, and although it didn’t turn out exactly the way I fantasized, it was still good, and a few men did come to my room and climbed on my hole and pumped a load up my butt. And that was a hot scene and it turned me on and the whole thing was worth it. But the hottest thing that night was that the first top who fucked me, who was also there, witnessed another dominant top come in and totally use my body (and mind), but he didn’t fuck me once. I responded to that as much, or more, than I responded to the anonymous loads. And that made me realize that there could be so much more to the weekend than being a complete cum dump. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to negotiate those two competing thoughts (as the dominant top put it, between being “just a hole” and being “more than a hole”.)

I think the man who asked me to write this down (the first top who gave me his load at IML), wanted me to record what I am thinking now, because I might live to regret my choice. He assumes, rationally enough, that I will become positive. That seems inevitable. He wants me to have this to remember why I did it. I won’t regret my choices, I’ve never done that. I understand pretty clearly why I’m at this point in my life. It’s not because of a lack of self-respect, or because of depression, or even a conscious self-destructive impulse. I’m pretty rational generally in my life choices. I live a healthy life, go to the gym often, don’t smoke or do drugs, and I’m in better shape at 46 than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a professional, successful in my career, have many friends and am generally happy. I’m also at a point that if or when I do become ill, I’m set for that, with good benefits and a house and some money stashed away and other opportunities to explore if I can no longer work at my current job. I’m also at the age where I’m seeing friends, and family, die away, some senseless tragic deaths, not at all HIV-related: cancer, accidents, unforeseen events. Or quiet deaths, slipping away after long lives half-lived. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I don’t believe I’m being truly reckless about this. It’s not a coincidence that I’m doing this at this point in my life.

Was it worth it? Yes, for IML I believe it was worth it. I had fun, and I learned a few important things about myself, and my capacities (and limits … places I might want to explore or grow). Will I continue doing this? Yes, but maybe not as a complete and utter cum dump. It would depend on the circumstances. I would do another IML weekend, or Folsom or whatever comes up. Incorporating all that into my regular life at home, I’m not so sure. I really liked the special adventure of that weekend, and the incredible high it gave me. And also there’s the general issue of sexual health, HIV notwithstanding (I ended up with another, more mundane, STD from the weekend, and remembered that sexual health in general is something I have to be aware of and protective of both myself and others, if I want to continue having a good fun sexual life.)

Would I recommend it to others? No, not generally. I’m not advocating recklessness in sexual practice. I’m not advocating going out and becoming poz, or seeking it. It depends on your circumstances. I’ve always believed we have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you’ve thought through the consequences and you’re willing to live with them, then you’re capable of making your own choices.

It’s certainly an easier choice to make now than it would have been even 3 years ago … more and more people are barebacking, more people are fetishizing cum and breeding and getting bred, it’s become almost a norm of gay sexual practice. It may turn out that this was the right moment for all of that to happen because of the advance of HIV meds, it may be that it was too early. Time will tell. I’m aware of the potential impact of social practice and social discourse on my own behavior, and it gives me pause to think I’m just living through an historical moment and that’s affecting my behavior. That’s probably one of the reasons I resist being a total cum dump, I want to observe this social change for a moment and figure out how it does impact on my life, and then figure out the course I want to chart through it all. But for the moment I’m pretty happy with the direction I’m taking.

He unbuttons my pants and just as he starts sucking my dick my phone rings. It’s my bf. I answer (while the guy is sucking my dick), and chat with my bf a little and then he asks what I’m doing later and I tell him I’m going down to the bar to have drinks. He asks with who, I tell him, and then say I should probably go, ’cause the guy is sucking my dick. My bf takes it in good stride and I hang up the phone and get down to business.

Long story short (’cause this is just the beginning), I give him a half way decent fuck. Pound him pretty hard, but just can’t cum (in hindsight, since this post has taken a while to get up, I had the beginnings of a cold and was feeling run down). So we wind it up and head downstairs to the bar.

Most of the people going to IML had left earlier in the day - the crowd at the bar was pretty sparse. There’s a bunch of Treasure Island guys there, including Brad McGuire. In general the mood at the bar is about the best I had seen it all weekend. Guys were happy, goofing around (one group kept throwing each other over their shoulders and horsing around). It was groups of friends, things were over and everything was really relaxed.

After two pints of beer I had to piss, so we headed upstairs. As soon as we got to my room there was no need to go to the bathroom - the bottom just got on his knees and drank every drop. Since it was beer piss he said it tasted better than the other night - less rank. Right after he drank my piss he got up and wanted to kiss. I wasn’t so sure about that one (didn’t really want to taste my own piss) and made the kiss pretty superficial.

Then I showed him the whip the top from earlier in the day had left, and we decided to start playing again… I had the puppy mitts out from the session with the top, so I put them on him (he hadn’t worn puppy mitts before), then we tried on a few hoods. The bottom really doesn’t like hoods - he had told me as much before. So I tried to start with a really thin spandex hood, but it was too small for him. Then we tried the thicker spandex hood and that worked, but since we were trying things out I put the leather hood on him next.

I knew being hooded was a big step for him, so we took it really slow and easy, and it was good I was someone he trusted… His initial panic subsided and I decided since he was hooded I’d take advantage of the situation, take pictures, use him, and videotape it. I put his legs in the air, pull down his pants, exposed his butt and well, the rest you can see in the video below… It’s probably my best video yet - nearly 18 minutes long… Basically I fuck him, spank him, and whip him, and paddle him…

I didn’t realize at the time exactly how stinging the other top’s whip was, but I paid attention to the bottom and his reactions to what I was doing and managed to not go past his thresholds… Still what you saw in the video above hurts like hell. It’s just the bottom likes a certain level of pain - earlier at the bar he had been showing me the bruises he got that weekend and remarking how he wished he had gotten more and bigger ones.

So what you see in the video was my most S/M experience at IML - glad I got it on tape! And next time I want a lot more like that - and even before next time I’ll be looking for bottoms who get into this stuff… I’ve got the one sub bottom who will let me go there (he’s load #30 that I still haven’t gotten up yet), but if any of you want to volunteer, let me know…

The bottom and I got to be pretty good friends at IML - we even met for lunch the next day and went to the Art Institute of Chicago before we left town… He’s got an interesting story to tell and I’m hoping he’ll write up his thoughts so I can share them here… Let’s just say he’s pretty much given up with risk reduction and knows full well what that means… He’s a sane, rational guy in a long-term relationship and is completely responsible in just about every other aspect of his life… He’s not what you’d expect of some one taking such a big risk…

UPDATE: Well, the bottom liked the video…

the video is great. it’s almost exhilarating watching my ass get redder and redder as you’re beating it, knowing how much it was hurting me and how much i was enjoying it. and yet watching it as a viewer, detached from the pain now, is an interesting experience. i think it is a good video and a good scene, it’s not all the same thing, it shows a good view of my red ass, it shows you off well and shows you very much in control, and it succeeds in dehumanizing me by hiding my face and head almost all the time, while focusing on my ass.

Expectations vs. Reality

For starters the hotel wasn’t exactly a bathhouse. VERY sexual, but different than a bathhouse. I didn’t see any open doors or anything like that. I did see one cumhole that put a sticky note in the elevator lobby for each floor saying he was taking loads, but that’s about all I saw. Instead it was like a buffet. Login to your favorite hookup site, look for guys 0 miles away and have them come to your room. It was also a lot about private sex parties and gangbangs. The trick was 1) finding them, and 2) getting invited.

Going into it I had hopes of how many guys I’d fuck and how many I’d seed. I got my raw dick in 12 different holes and seeded 4 of them. It’s not bad, but I was hoping for a lot more than that. But it was my first time, and I know how I’d improve those numbers next time…

I was also suprised with how many native Chicago guys wanted to hookup. I guess I expected it to be mostly guys attending IML. When I wanted hole right then and there, it always seemed like the guy was 5 miles away and not at the hotel.

Highlights

Top three sexual experiences (in no particular order):

• Fucking the little kid. Probably one of my favorite fucks. It was vanilla, but he was close to my ideal cumhole…
• Whipping and fucking the sub bottom and having him drink my piss. Been WAY too long since I really inflicted some pain on a bottom. I liked it…
• The “tussle” with the forceful top. It opened my eyes to a different way of thinking about sex - in a good way…

It’s interesting that only one of those three involved cumming in a guy’s ass…

Fucking Jarod Steel was definitely notable, but not in the top three… Also notable was fucking the young little guy in the backroom of the Eagle.

I really liked Lake Shore Drive. I could see myself living on it, which says a lot… I also liked getting out and seeing some Frank Lloyd Wright stuff in Oak Park one afternoon…

Things I’d Do Differently

I didn’t expect to get things perfect the first time around. I went to see how it would be. But having seen it, there are things I’d do next time to make the most of it…

Next time I go I want to go with a “partner in crime”. Not that that I’d want to be joined at the hip or anything - but just someone to hang out with in the off hours. If it’s a top - someone to share bottoms with, if it’s a bottom someone to fuck when I need a nice wet hole… Nothing too serious, definitely not a pretend boyfriend for the week.

Spend less money. What this past week cost me is a bit crazy. The hotel (and parking) bill was $1,600. Then there was gas money of probably $300+, then Flex for $80, plus food, etc. I guess that’s not all that crazy, but it can be done less expensively and still have just as good of a time. I’d rather put the money toward more leather gear.

Having the partner in crime be a roommate would help a lot - half the room bill. Not driving would help as well. I had never been to Indiana and Illinois, and it had been ages since I was in Ohio and northern Pennsylvania. I’m glad I drove, but don’t feel the need to do it again next time. The stop over at Flex Cleveland was definitely something that could be dropped.

I’d eat better. There were some days when I only had one meal. Or one day my two meals consisted of a roast beef wrap and a big slice of pizza. My intestinal track was a complete mess and I had the runs by the end of the week from not eating properly. Once I had some decent food in me on a regular basis everything went back to normal - so I definitely need to eat better next time. I did lose 3 pounds this past week though.

I’d also skip the last day. There was a nice vibe the last evening, but all in all, it didn’t seem worth it to stay the extra day. However, I did meet the straight, forceful top - that was one really good thing that came out of it. He called today to talk… It’s not an anal sex thing with him, but I like where his mind’s at - a mix of desire and resistance…

I’d be more focused on one of the recon sites rather than BarebackRT. The point of the event is leather and fetish and the guys on BarebackRT are too vanilla.

I’d seek out and go to some sex parties next time as well. There were some guys who were going to two or more a night… Don’t know I’d do that many, but one a night (plus maybe a piss party) would be nice.

Next time I’ll do a lot more watersports… There were enough guys there who liked drinking piss, I really should have done more of that…

I’d force myself to go to all the competition events next time. I felt like I got disconnected from the actual contest and wish I had been more connected. Just a bad choice on my part…

I’d get a haircut before I went. IML just seems to prefer guys with really short hair…

I’d have fewer, but larger bags… I packed completely wrong for getting in and out of the hotel… Need more bags with wheels, etc.

I got there a little early and the crowd was small. It was at a straight club, but one of the bartenders was a cute femmy gay guy who wore a collar, so I got drinks from him all night long.

I was wearing leather chaps over dark jeans, and just a leather bar vest up top (no shirt). The S/M crowd seems to like my belly, so I figured I’d show it off. I had worn pretty much the same thing at the Eagle a few nights before and liked the response I got from it - which is funny ’cause before I thought about going to IML I swore I wouldn’t be showing my bare belly… Now I think I look pretty good bare chested in a leather vest…

Anyway, that was a long diversion to also say I wore the whip I had gotten from the top earlier in the day on a ring on the side of my chaps. So I was dressed head to toe in leather, and was flagging whipping top. While the crowd was sparse and people actually noticed each other, I had a really good response to what I was wearing. One guy gave me a “woof woof”, and another guy stopped me, took a look at the whip and said “you can use that on me anytime.”

I’m not big on dancing - house music is one of the few things I enjoy dancing to. The DJ played some excellent deep house when things were a bit empty and then some good regular house music. So I got some dancing in… There was this hot otter who I really liked to watch dance to house music. Not many gay (white) guys are good at dancing to house, but he was. When the regular dance music came on he did these fan dance things… Otters are sorta cute. They’re an interesting combination of masculine and feminine (and bottoms!)…

Then things got a bit crowded, and I was just hanging around drinking and watching the crowd. As I was standing there this fairly attractive beefy guy comes up to me and tells me out of the thousands of guys he saw that weekend he liked me the most. OK… Let’s just say within 5 minutes of talking to him he used the ‘wife’ word (as in he wanted to be my wife)… He was coming on really strong. I didn’t really know if I even wanted to hookup and this guy had the flowers for the wedding picked out in his head…

We went downstairs to talk and on the way down I saw this guy come up the stairs who I had wanted to hookup with. He was a fisting bottom who said he’d teach me how to fist… We saw each other and then did a double take and each smiled a big smile and waived to each other.

After getting downstairs where it was quieter and hearing more of the guy’s story I started feeling like this was another disaster in the making. He said his friend that he came with was having lots of sex, but he hadn’t done anything and his friend had told him to get busy and hookup with someone… Thing was, he wanted way more than a hookup.

A few minutes after I started wondering how to get out of the situation he notices the wedding band on my finger. His face becomes completely crestfallen. It was like he just got sucker punched. I know it’s horrible, but my mind started turning - this was my way out… So over the next 5 minutes or so I patiently worked him toward the conclusion that I wasn’t the right guy for him - that he needed someone different. He was just about ready to hookup with me anyway, but I didn’t want it…

After getting out of that I roamed around the club a bit looking for the fisting bottom. I didn’t think anything would come of it, but still wanted to at least touch base with him, but I never did see him…

I had told myself I wanted to be in bed by 1am, since I had to drive the next day and driving when you’re tired is miserable (and dangerous - did you know it’s more dangerous to drive tired than drive drunk? Well, maybe not seriously drunk, but what counts for DWI in some states isn’t as bad as driving tired.) So I left around midnight and figured I’d head up to the Eagle again since I knew they were trying to do another big event…

But when I got to the Eagle it was dead. Not dead exactly, but since they had opened up the dance floor upstairs people were so spread out that it felt dead. The dark room had some people in it, but not many. I stood around in the darkroom and a couple guys gave me a blow job, but I didn’t know whether I was up for fucking anyone, and didn’t see anyone that inspired my dick, so I left.

I managed to get back to the hotel at 1am, so I was close to being on schedule. As I was walking down the hall to my room I see this guy in underwear getting ice from the ice machine. He’s acting pretty weird, and pretty quick I realize he’s totally tweaked. Imagine Johnny Depp in “Pirates of the Caribbean” - now image it’s a hot little, somewhat muscular bottom boy who’s tweaked on god knows what… Let’s just say he got my dick hard. After the first interaction, he took the ice back to the room and then came out into the hall again. His friend came out wondering where he was and we met. Then his friend went back to their room and tweaked bottom started feeling me up in the hallway, then I pulled out my dick and he bent over and sucked it a little.

I so wanted him to come into the room so I could fuck him. His body was all sweaty from the drugs, and it’s an under statement to say he was my type… The idea of seeding his hot little ass got me going… I should have just pulled him into the room and fucked him - he was “impressionable” and I probably could have had at least a quick fuck, but he went back to his room and didn’t come out again… Guess someone else got lucky with his ass…

So I got to bed at 1:30…

Walking down the hall he asks me what I like and I say I’m a top. He’s a top as well (obviously), so I wasn’t quite sure how it would go. The maid was cleaning my room when we got there, so after making out a little he splits and says he’ll be back in 5 or 10 when the maid is done. I lay down on the bed thinking he probably won’t be back, but then there’s a knock at the door and he’s back.

It was weird hooking up with him… He was really forceful and physical. When I put puppy mitts on him it was like I was wrestling him to put them on, but he was perfectly willing to have them on. Then I locked the puppy mitts together with a heavy lock. Shortly after I did that I realized it wasn’t necessarily a good thing to do. He put a puppy mitt on each side of my throat and it was clear he could have choked me if he wanted to, and given how forceful and strong he was it wouldn’t have gone well for me if he had had his mind set on hurting me.

But he didn’t. I could tell he liked dominating me, he liked the power and control aspect of what was going on. He was hard the entire time. It wasn’t really my style of sex at all, and I definitely wasn’t in control of the scene, but then again it’s not like he was in complete control either.

At certain points I tried to make it about his hole - fingering it, rimming it a little, but he didn’t really want that (not that his dick got soft or anything)… I knew he was into spanking (at least as a top) since he had asked me early on if I liked to get spanked. When I spanked him he had a strong reaction - he was totally turned on, but also didn’t like it. He liked to kiss, but almost never on the lips. The whole scene was a weird combination of tenderness and force. Which is what S/M is all about anyway, right?

When I had his pants down he wanted me to lick his balls. I did, but then I brought out my cock and ball whip and he was in heaven. He really got off on that. He asked what else I had, and I showed him a few paddles and used those on him briefly.

Then he wanted to use them on me. By this point I was pretty comfortable with him. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me - he just liked things a little rough, so I took the puppy mitts off and told him he could do what he wanted if he was gentle. He was actually too gentle - I had to tell him he could go harder…

Then he wanted to ride me like a pony. He got on my back and I took him around the room, then got on all fours on the bed and he rode me there.

It then sorta wound down. I think part of it was he liked it better when I fought back and towards the end there I was more submissive than he liked.

So after yesterday’s experience, I guess I have to revise what I said. I can be a bottom. Never for anything anal, but there’s a lot of other things in the S/M experience and if I trust the top, I’m good… It’s not like I’m going to want it constantly (I never got hard in the scene with this guy), but I gotta say it’s an interesting change from the ordinary.

As he was leaving he asked where I was from and what I did. I found out he’s a married “straight” lawyer who likes hooking up with guys behind his wife’s back. He had to leave to get back to work, where his wife thought he was. As he left he rolled his pants over his big shiny boots, to blend in more on the street… Curious guy…

Oh yeah, he left me the home-made whip he had been carrying around. It’s made out of plastic coated wire and has knots in it. I tried it out on myself after he left and it’s actually a pretty good whip. Stings a little, but is still pretty “soft”...

UPDATE: Later that evening I noticed the message light was flashing on my phone in the hotel room. Turned out the guy wants to hook up again when he’s in New York. Gave me his number so I could call him. I texted him instead, and he took a while to get back to me, but he did. I think it could be interesting… If nothing else, it’s different and by playing with him, it’ll expand how I use sub bottoms…

I determined that drinking alcohol was a recipe for disaster for my cock, so I went down to the bar in the lobby and had a ginger ale, then had a slice of pizza and then headed back to the Eagle since it had shown some promise the night before. I got to the Eagle a little early - like 9:30 and there were only maybe 15 or 20 customers there, so after drinking a Coke I decided to go next door to Man’s Country.

Man’s Country is a really old (and old-style) bathhouse. The room had chipboard on the walls (cheap plywood) that had been worn really smooth and darkened over the years. The crowd wasn’t nearly as attractive as Steamworks. IMHO, the primary reason to go to Man’s Country is because it’s next door to the Eagle…

I got a room, which turned out to be a good thing since all evening I’d rest a little in the room with the door shut and jack my dick until it got hard, put a cock ring on it, and then sit in the room showing my cock which stayed nice and hard. When I got bored sitting there I’d take a walk around to see who there was to fuck.

On my first walk around I saw this muscular, light-skinned black guy laying on his stomach face towards the door. I went into his room, rimmed his ass, then when we stood up and he did this awkward thing to get me to suck his nipple I realized he was a bit of a freak. But he had a really nice, tight, muscular body so I put up with it. Long story short we fooled around and then he grabbed a condom at which point I said “no condoms” and that was pretty much the end of it. As I was putting my towel on he was sitting on the bed and did this thing with his leg to figuratively kick me out of the room. It came off as very prissy queen…

There were a lot of guys who just blew me. In some cases I didn’t really want to pursue anything further with them, in one case I didn’t really want to fuck him and on top of it he kept pushing a condom almost the point of being funny - he bent over and put the condom on his back just above his ass…

Then this guy came by who blew me for about 5 seconds and then said, “Do you like to fuck?” I said “yes”, so he got on all fours on the bed and presented his ass for me. I got up, inserted my dick and fucked him. He had a good hole and was telling me to breed him. I asked him whether he had loads in him already - since it sorta felt like it, and he said he had three in there. I pulled out my dick and rimmed him, but couldn’t taste any cum, and he made it clear he wanted to get fucked, not rimmed, so I went back to fucking. It was my first fuck of the night and didn’t really want to cum yet so when he asked if I could cum I said I wasn’t ready to yet… He understood, but that was pretty much the end of it…

Later in the evening, between blowjobs, I was walking around and saw this tall black guy on his stomach. I went in, he blew me to get me hard, and then I fucked him. He was really into getting fucked raw and taking loads (especially from big white guys). I gave him a good fuck, but didn’t cum.

There were a few other guys laying on their stomachs, but with the ones I was interested in, none of them wanted to hookup with me, which was OK… Whatever. There was also this chalkboard in the bathroom and people put messages there if they were taking loads. The funny part was when I first saw it another guy commented that there wasn’t any chalk to write messages, which means the bottoms bring their own chalk (sorta funny). Thing was, none of the cumholes on the message board really did it for me, so never did even try to fuck any of them.

So around 2am I knew the Eagle had been busy for a while (the room I was in was under the Eagle and I could hear the people moving around in the bar like a herd of cattle over my head). I had fucked two guys and gotten blown by probably a half dozen more. There weren’t that many new guys coming in, so I figured I’d head to the Eagle.

The Eagle was really busy when I got there. I went into the back bar area and saw guys getting sucked and one guy getting fucked. Then I headed into the small dark room area where I saw this guy I had fooled around with the night before having sex. He was getting blown and I spotted him when he was in the middle of his orgasm. He recognized me and we sorta felt each other up as he was leaving the room. I tried to get into the room but it was too crowded and hot, so I turned around and walked around a little before.

When I tried again I was able to work my way into the room and saw this short, thin, young, black guy bent over, giving head. I felt up his ass and his body and he was really hot. He was dark-skinned and had a harnass on. When I got close enough, things wrapped up with the top he was sucking and he turned his attention to me. I really wanted to fuck him, but he seemed like he just wanted to give me head, which he did for a while. Then when he stood up one time he finally got the point that I wanted to fuck him. He turned around and presented his ass to me. I got down and started rimming him… Then stood up an fucked him.

It was really crowded in there, and difficult to get in a good position for fucking, but we finally got things pretty well sorted out. He was bent over a long urinal (which reaked of piss) and I pounded him. I should mention there was this latin (?) kid in there who was watching everything. When I was getting blown I tried to feel him up, but he would push my had away, but as soon as I started fucking the black kid the latin kid got interested and started trying to feel my dick in the black kid’s ass, and feeling me up… I fucked the black kid for a while (for fucking in a dark room), but wasn’t able to cum before he had had enough. When we stopped we kissed and he thanked me before leaving.

Then, next to me, there was big white guy getting fucked. I’m pretty sure he was the same guy who was getting fucked in the bar area when I first came in. When the top was done with him, he blew my dick briefly before turning around and giving me his ass. His legs were considerably taller than mine and his ass was shall we say “meaty”, so it wasn’t the best fit. I had to stand on my toes to fuck him. I did it for a while, but could see it wasn’t going anywhere, so quit. He then turned around and let another guy fuck him. I held his head on my shoulder and whispered in his ear how he was a good boy getting fucked and taking loads. When that guy was done with him, he turned around and I fucked him a little more, but again, not the right “fit”, so it didn’t last long.

Meanwhile the little latin guy was still standing there and seemed somewhat interested, but nothing came of it. The big cumhole blew him about the time I wanted to get out. I was hot and drenched in sweat. It felt good to get out into main area where it was nice and cool.

I started talking with the Latin guy I had seen the night before. He had also been in the dark room and saw me fucking the little black kid. He said he wanted me to fuck him, so after we both had a drink we went into the backroom and after rimming him briefly, I tried to fuck him, but I just wasn’t hard enough. It was a combination of a lot of things, but it just didn’t happen right then and there, so we gave up and got out of the dark room.

I told him I wanted to bring him back to the hotel and fuck him. I even waited around for a while while he said he was going to go tell his friends he was leaving, but when push came to shove he didn’t really want to do it and said since I hadn’t been hard enough to fuck him I must not be into him. I hadn’t been all that hard when I was fooling around with him the night before, so I could see his perspective. I knew it would go well if we weren’t trying to do it in a backroom, but he didn’t know that and I wasn’t going to try to convince him.

So I left. On my way home I ran into a guy who wanted a lift to the hotel. He comes regularly and said this IML hasn’t been as good as others. A lot of people stayed home for financial reasons and he didn’t think things were as crowded as they had been in the past. It was an interesting comment. The funny part was when we got to the hotel he wanted to give me a kiss. When he was done I realized my beard probably smelled of ass - wonder what he thought…

When I got back to my room I was still horny and didn’t have any problem getting a full hardon, so I got onto BarebackRT and looked for someone to take my load. After a few messages I found a guy who was a few floors above me and came over.

The guy was a hot, beefy, shortish white guy. Had a nice body on him and was pretty attractive - even cute in a rough around the edges sort of way… It was late and we both knew what we wanted, so we got down to business pretty quickly. I rimmed him and then fucked him - on all fours, then on his belly, then all fours, then on his belly and then on his back… Problem was, there was a point I could tell I wasn’t going to be able to cum, so we finally just wrapped it up and he left. Even so, it was a good fuck…

And even though I didn’t actually seed any ass, it was a good night. Got my dick in 5 raw holes, and had a bunch of blowjobs. It was certainly a lot better than the night before or what happened earlier in the evening.

I ran into the guy who I was hanging around last night. He and his friends were looking around the leather mart… Anyway, we started talking, then went up to their room where a half dozen of us were drinking (from a big bottle of Captain Morgan). When they went downstairs to the bar I wanted to put my camera I away, so he and I went to my room. When we got there we started fooling around. Thing was I just wasn’t all that into it. I was in a mellow mood, and not particularly horny, plus he’s not really my type…

I’ll skip most of the details, but suffice it to say that we played around a little, I tried, but the more I did the less I wanted to do. My dick was getting smaller by the minute…

Thing was, he was drunk and horny. He was having a great time and I don’t think he really sensed that the situation was going bad for me quickly. Then he reached for his drink and managed to spill some of it. I was laying down, face up, and he was straddling me. I wanted to get up to get the towel and he didn’t want to let me up. That was it - I pushed him to get him off me (not too hard), and he still didn’t get the hint. Finally I just said, “Would you leave?” I didn’t want take it to that but what were my choices? He was a messy drunk who had a little too much “captain in him” (actually way more than a little too much).

The thing that flashed through my mind was when I used to escort. There were times when I didn’t like the client, or didn’t like the scene, but I was a good escort and pretended to be enjoying myself so I’d get paid. Suddenly with this guy I felt like I was back in those days where I was pretending to like what was happening to keep him happy. But it’s not like I was getting paid, so what’s the point?

It was actually a really deep emotion all this brought up - not just as simple as feeling like a hooker. I started escorting a year after my first sexual experience, before I really figured out who I was sexually. I have nothing against escorting. If I had it to do all over again I’d probably still want to do some escorting - but would have done it a little later (or better yet, started sex earlier).

But escorting damaged me a bit sexually - that much I know. After it ended I was in a comfortable relationship that was minimally sexual, and after that relationship is when I really figured out what I felt comfortable with was being a top…

The thing I think I realized tonight was that the whole power-and-control aspect of how I have sex, and even being a top, and having short well-defined hookups, probably all stems from escorting. Put another way, I need to be in control because I hate not feeling in control in a sexual encounter, but at the same time I need the bottom to want me to fuck them - I need eagerness. Having been the one who pretended to be enjoying themselves, I don’t want a bottom to have to do that with me. As a result, acting out rape fantasies does nothing for me. I may jack off to them, but in real-life I need the bottom to want it.

And on top of everything else, I just realized that because I was spending time with him I forgot that the big IML contest was on and I missed it… UGH!!! That was one of the things I really wanted to do while I was here and now all the contest activities are over…

Now I have to get myself back in the mood to hookup. This is the last big night of IML (tomorrow will be quieter) and I want tonight to go better than last night.

So last night I was down in the hotel bar (which was completely packed) and these two guys come up to me and start chatting. Nice guys - one’s older than me (didn’t ask his age) and the other one is mid-thirties but sorta baby faced. We chat and they seem to really want me to hang out with them, which was cool. We even had dinner together, and afterwards we hung out at the bar some more (some of their friends were REALLY hot - two in particular where these mid-west farm boy types…) I had heard a lot of sex parties were going on and when they wanted to go to a party in the hotel that’s what I assumed it was. When we got there it was a dance party, not a sex party. I wasn’t really in the mood to dance, neither was the older guy and the younger guy seemed a bit ambivalent about it so we just stood around the lobby outside the party and talked to people.

I had sorta wanted to go to The Eagle or The Jackhammer. I knew the Jackhammer was having a sex party in the basement and Treasure Island was having a DVD release party in the main bar. Thing was I hadn’t signed up for the sex party, so didn’t think I could get in, but I still wanted to go out and see what things were like. Oddly enough when I had talked to my bf earlier in the day he told me to see if I could get into the sex party - to make the most of my being here…

It wasn’t readily apparent, but the older guy was into me, but being really discreet about it - not coming on strong at all. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. He wasn’t really my type, but I would have gone to bed with him… I asked if they/he wanted to go out to the bars, but he said ‘no’. He started coming onto me a little bit after a while, but it was really subtle. Then there was one point where he and another friend went somewhere (bathroom?) and I felt if I was going to go out, I needed to do it then, so I said goodbye to the younger guy and took off.

It was already 2am, I didn’t even know how late the bars would be open. When I was standing waiting for the valet to bring the car around I saw a bunch of Treasure Island guys get out of a cab, so I knew the Treasure Island part of the evening at the Jackhammer was most likely over, but I went there anyway. The bar was mostly a dance bar with a leather store attached. There were stairs down into the basement where the sex party was going on, but just a rope across the stairs with a sign “Closed, Private Party”. As I stood around I saw guys leaving, so I figured the sex party was probably already winding down…

So I headed down the street to The Eagle. It was a far more serious leather bar. And they had a darkish bar area in the back where guys were getting blow jobs from cocksuckers, and then there’s a little dark room as well. Thing was, it wasn’t completely dark, it was totally packed, and there was enough light so I knew the guys weren’t really guys I wanted to have sex with. There was one guy in the corner who I would have fucked. He turned around, but when I felt his hole it was all warty… I wasn’t that desperate to fuck.

When I turned around there was a fairly attractive guy who asked if he could suck my cock. When I said ‘yes’ he said “really?” I didn’t understand why he said that, but he got down on his knees and started blowing me, but he didn’t last long. I wasn’t getting completely hard, and he was probably being jostled by everyone around him. Then he grabbed my waist band and pulled himself up. I thought thought that was odd, but whatever… I then got out of the dark area and walked around and then I recognized the guy who had just blown me in the dark area - and then I noticed his arm was partly amputated. It explained why he pulled himself up using my waistband, and where the “really?” came from (not 100% confident in himself)…

I then spent a little time in the darkish bar area. A Latino came onto me and long story short, we fooled around and he blew me a bit. My dick was only sorta responding. It would get hard for a while and then not so hard. There was a guy standing next to me getting fucked, and I could have fucked the Latin guy if I wanted to, but it was late,I was wiped and not at 100%, so I didn’t even try.

Then just after the Latino guy, this chubby sub wanted to suck my dick. He turned out to be a really good cocksucker, but I knew the evening was ending when he was giving me an excellent blowjob and I wasn’t getting all that hard. Then this other guy wanted to make out with me while the chubby guy gave me a blowjob, etc…

I could just feel that it was time for bed. I went to the front bar and talked to a couple of guys. When a messy drunk that I had had to push off of me earlier in the night collapsed in front of me and spilled his drink all over me, that was sort of the end of it. After cleaning myself off, I just left and went back to the hotel. There was no point in going to the bathhouse next door…

Other than the fact that I didn’t fuck anyone, it was a good night…

There’s a guy who was visiting NYC a month or two ago who I really wanted to fuck, but things didn’t work out. Well, he’s here at IML and we just hooked up…

Again, not a leather hookup (oh well), but he’s so totally my type I didn’t care. He’s a 22 y.o., short, black guy who’s got a really lean, slightly muscular body, and a phenomenal ass.

He arrives and he’s shorter and cuter than I was expecting. He was wearing a hoodie, flip flops and the bottoms from hospital scrubs. He started stripping down just inside the door - no shirt, no underwear… I was loving it…

We kiss a bit and then he climbs on the bed and presents his ass to me. It was a truly incredible ass, and a really nice hole. I get down on my knees and rim him, which he seems to really love - it kept him moaning…

After rimming him for a while I got some spit on the head of my dick, stand up and fuck him. His hole felt great - nice and reasonably tight boi hole… He takes the dick really well and after a bit of warm up I fucking him fairly hard. Then I push him forward and fuck him on his belly.

Fucking little lean guys on their bellies almost always gets me to cum, and this time was no exception. It felt really good to give him my load…

I roll him on his side and keep my dick in him. Pumping him a little here and there while we enjoy the moment and talk about stuff… He’s not into leather - just came with a friend ’cause he’d never been before…

After a while of laying there cuddling he got up to look at the view. While he was standing naked in front of the window I started rimming his ass again… Didn’t taste any cum cause I must have cum pretty deep. He asked how the cum tasted and I told him I didn’t taste any. Then when I was taking a brief break he basically farted some of my cum out of his ass and it landed on the carpet. It was sorta funny, but I could also tell it wasn’t all that “clean” (not shitty, but just not clean), so I cleaned it up with a towel and didn’t pursue it further.

All in all a really good fuck. Didn’t capture it on camera ’cause I just wanted to enjoy his body. If he wants to fuck again I’ll see if he wants to videotape it…

After the 2+ hour gangbang with the sub bottom last night I was really tired and didn’t feel like going out. My primary goal being here is to rest and relax, and all these nights of minimal sleep aren’t helping. So I figured I’d just go back to my room and “order in” and then turn in relatively early. It’s not like it would be hard to find someone.

And it wasn’t… There were a number of options, but the one who stood out was this early 30s guy who had a hot lean body like I get into… He was staying at another hotel close by, so he he said he’s be over in 15 minutes…

He arrives and he turns out to be East Asian. And again, I’m fucking a guy who’s not in leather. He did have a studded leather arm band on, but otherwise he wasn’t a “leatherman” at all… He reminded me a lot of “Jonathan” from Latin Studs Mania and Naughty Hard Cocks (see pic on the right or follow the links), only he didn’t have tattoos. The other thing which was really apparent was how nervous he was. Actually I couldn’t tell if he was nervous, anxious, uncertain, skeptical or what. It didn’t really add up. He flew in for the event, but didn’t seem 100% comfortable…

He takes off his clothes (I keep mine on - I’m wearing chaps over jean, motorcycle boots, and a black t-shirt) and he’s got a great body… A little hairy, but tight and lean… He sucks my dick very briefly, then I rim his ass…

When he had walked in he mentioned, “all the cameras are off, right?” While I wanted to film it, I was also OK with just dumping a load and going to bed. I had shown him the two drawers full of toys (that, unfortunately, I’m not making much use of) just after he came in, but he wasn’t really interested in using them. Then when I’m rimming him he decides he wants to wear a hood and get filmed. We look through the hoods and settle on a black spandex one (double thickness with just a mouth opening). When we put it on him he was surprised there were no eye openings and took it off, then he put it back on and things went forward…

I set up the camera, positioned him on the bed, put on my hood, and went back to rimming him. He did have a really nice hole - just the type I like… He wanted lube for his dick, so I put some on my dick as well and start fucking him. He felt really good and I could tell there would be zero problems with me cumming. In fact I felt like I was going to cum pretty quick. He sensed it though and told me to hold off…

When I slowed down I noticed his hole wasn’t completely clean. It’s not like he was exactly dirty, but he was “wet” and the color was slightly browish. It’s the smell of shit that bothers me most and there was no smell with him, so I continued on… I was just glad I had put a towel under him…

We fucked for a bit with his legs up, then I flipped him over. The camera was a distraction and looking at the video I did a really horrible job videotaping it, but whatever…

Finally with him on his stomach I just unloaded in his hole. It felt good… Then I rolled him on his side and we cuddled for a moment.

Afterwards he was still acting a bit weird. Didn’t really want to share much of anything, but I did get an interesting story out of him. Turns out he came to IML last year, didn’t have a lot of sex ’cause he was neg and trying to be somewhat safe. He’d tell tops not to cum in him, stuff like that… But he did take one load at Steamworks and 10 days later came down with the fuck flu. Looking back on it he thinks it’s ironic that he had a bit of a lame time while he was here ’cause he was sorta trying to stay “safe”, but he still wound up getting pozzed. Since then he’s been taking loads whenever he can, and now he’s back at IML and wants to have the fun he missed last time.

I still don’t understand the weird chemistry between us. He was obviously here to do exactly what we were doing. I also don’t understand why he keeps coming to IML, but didn’t seem to wear leather… He’s a curious guy, but a decent fuck…

I’m not sure the video will get posted publicly. We’ll see. If so, I’ll update this post…

I got up there 10 minutes or so after it was scheduled to start figuring gangbangs never start on time. He tells me I just missed the first top who wanted to fuck him before the party. He said he was a little disappointed ’cause the guy came in his mouth, not his ass… He had also hooked up with one of the guys who was working down in the leather mart earlier in the day. The guy had taken him back to the room and used him as a punching bag - punching his chest and gut. The bottom was disappointed he didn’t have bruises yet… This was all a side of the bottom I hadn’t seen before…

We chat for a bit and then there’s a knock on the door… He jumps into bed and I answer the door. Honestly I don’t remember much about the first top physically. He came in, fucked him and came pretty quickly (in his ass) and left. I fuck the bottom a bit wanting to feel his now cummy hole.

My dick was pretty big and engorged ’cause I was wearing this Y harnass that was connected to a big thick (fairly hard) rubber cockring. It would have been really easy to cum, but I didn’t want to…

We then chat a bit more. I had worn my hood for the first top, but it was cutting across the bridge of my nose, I had taken it off when the second knock came. This guy was much more dominant. The first thing he wanted to establish was that the bottom was “more than just a hole”. For the next hour he put the guy through his paces… Choked him (fingers down his throat), flogged him, punched him, spanked him, worked his nipples to the point of serious pain, and generally kept control of him. He was a really good dom top. Really abusive (like the bottom likes), but not too abusive. He was about control and had a good ebb and flow to how he worked the bottom so it wasn’t just constantly abusive.

In the middle of that top another top arrived. This top was sort of a dark, swarthy bear. He took off all this clothes except his socks and just fucked the bottom and dumped a load in him. As he got dressed, I stepped up to fuck the bottom’s cummy hole again.

The other top didn’t want the bottom to see the other top, but the bottom looked so he instantly denied the bottom his cock (which he was sucking), and had him stand up and close his eyes. Then without warning he pushed the bottom forward so he fell onto the bed. It was sudden and sorta shocking, but at the same time it showed he was a really good top. There was punishment for disobenience, he thought quickly on his feet, and the punishment was more psychological and controlling than abusive (since the bottom wanted abuse)…

The whole time the dom top never once actually fucked the bottom. He liked seeing me and the other top fuck him, but he never used the bottom’s ass (other than getting it really red with hard spanking)…

The dom top also never seemed completely comfortable with me being there. I tried to keep reassuring the top I was fine and to stop worrying about me, but you could tell at a minimum I was a problem for him. Just before he left he made a comment of “since I’m boring you (referring to me), I’ll wrap this up”. Again, I tried to reassure him…

He did put me to some good use. Right after he got there he asked me what I was into. I said fucking and some watersports, so he told me he wanted me to give the boy my piss. It’s not like I can piss on demand, so I did trip after trip to the bathroom to drink water so I could piss. Finally after probably 20 or 30 minutes I had enough piss built up. I was a little confused ’cause the top kept asking me if I was ready to give the bottom my piss, but there was no move to go to the bathroom and everything was happing on top of the hotel sheets…

Finally it dawned on me the bottom wanted to drink the piss. So at one point I asked the bottom if he liked to drink piss, he said “yes”, then I asked if he liked to drink rank piss (’cause I know my piss tends to be pretty aweful). Again he said yes. Well, he was warned, so I stuck my dick in his mouth. It took me a while to be able to piss and the weird thing was I couldn’t tell how much I was pissing. I knew it wasn’t a huge amount, but he just kept swallowing…

Eventually the dom top left - he was late for a party, and the bottom and I talked about him. It’s funny - he’s what I think of when I think of “dominant top”. I’m not that - so much of what he’s about I just don’t have in me. I can get into flogging and the like, but it’s more structured and relaxed, not as spontaneous and intense. And I’ve always been told I’m horrible at spanking… Yet, the bottom insisted (as others have as well), that I’m a dominant top - but he also couldn’t define how exactly I’m dominant.

We thought that was the end of it since it was getting near the end of the 2 hour period the bottom had defined for his gangbang, but another knock came at the door. This guy was also dark and swarthy and somewhat bearish. He took off his shirt, and dropped his jeans around his ankles. He was different than the others in that he wanted me involved. He wanted to see me fuck the bottom, he wanted to touch me, play with my nipples, etc. But after fucking a while he wasn’t able to cum. More likely I think he chose not to cum. As he and the bottom were talking afterwards it was clear he was all about getting invited to as many sex parties as possible and he had more to do that night. The bottom was just another notch on his bedpost - someone he’d had his raw cock in. He was nice and friendly, but a bit of a slut for a top…

When he was done we thought we were really done. But after sort of a wrap up chat I was getting ready to go when there was another knock on the door. I told the bottom I’d open the door, but I was going to leave, but it turned out to be the dom top (he had forgotten his poppers and came back to get them) - only he was now in rubber - rubber muscle shirt and rubber shorts. He had changed costumes and was now off to be a piss bottom. His personna was completely different. Chatty, flirty, and very social. We stood around and talked for another 10 or 15 minutes. It was interesting seeing him in this different light. He was much more of a person. I trusted him a lot more seeing him this way.

But looking back on it I realized how we’re different but both dominant. The difference is my dominance (what there is of it), is just who I am. It’s deep rooted in how I interact with bottoms. I get my way and for the most part bottoms give me what I want. His dominance is more of an act. One moment he’s a dom top, the next he’s a watersports bottom. He’s shallow but wide, where I’m narrow but deep.

So the bottom got two loads, and I got a little more perspective on the issue of dominance and got to watch a great a great performance by a dom top. All in all, a lot of fun.

I still hadn’t cum. Originally my plan was to go to The Eagle and then Man’s Country (the bathhouse next door to The Eagle), but I just didn’t have the energy for it, so I decided to “order in”. I came home, found a bottom online and he came over and got fucked. But that’s another post… I need to get to bed to get some sleep. Hopefully there aren’t too many typos in this post, ’cause I don’t have the energy to proof it right now…

UPDATE: The bottom e-mailed me back about the rest of his night…

so from last night after you left: the dom came back less than 30 mins later and gave me a huge load of piss down my throat. i went back online, went upstairs and got fucked by another top who was with his boy (he didn’t come). then the last guy from my party texted me and came back upstairs (that was the ‘party guy’). he told me he had come inside me earlier. then he dumped another load. i had already messaged someone else my room number and he came up during and he fucked me and dumped his load. then party guy dumped another one inside me. then i went down to your floor and played with two leather guys, one of them fucked me with a condom, but we were all too tired!

so total of 6 loads from 4 guys, and two down my throat. not bad for a day.

I also forgot to mention that the last top in the original story fed the bottom a HUGE amount of piss - it went on and on and on. When the dom came back we talked about him drinking our piss. He said the other top had pretty watery piss, but (like I expectd) mine was pretty rank… He took it like a champ though…

UPDATE #2: The dom top (who goes by ‘Blu Moon’) has written up his perspective on things - you can read it here.

There was one guy who was visiting a buddy in the hotel next door who wanted to come over. I gave him my room number and told him to confirm. 20 minutes later I hear a knock on the door…

I go over to the door, look through the peephole and see a guy (not house keeping), I open the door and there’s Jarod Steel (he’s the twink porn star who used to work for Falcon, then went bareback and has done stuff for S/X and Dick Wadd Fetish among others). I had given him my room number yesterday and he said he’s be over in 30 minutes. Long 30 minutes, but whatever…

I had just gotten out of the shower and was in nothing but my towel, which I find ironic since Jarod Steel is hot and if he’s OK with me in my towel then all the guys at the bathhouses who didn’t think twice about me… Well, whatever…

So he comes in, apologizes for not telling me he’s coming over, but I didn’t care - I was looking to fuck anyway…

And by the way - Jarod Steel is fucking cute. Taller than me (which I wasn’t expecting), but very very cute… He wasn’t dressed in leather - just running shorts, t-shirt, and hoodie. He wanted to take a shower, so he jumped in the shower to clean off…

After he got out we got to talking. He had been at Steamworks during the time I was there, but somehow I hadn’t seen him. He said he waited 4 hours for a room which makes me wonder how the guy I fucked yesterday got a room so quickly.

He then gets on his knees and starts sucking my dick. I tell him I have a dresser full of toys, but he says the only toy he wants is the one between my legs.

I then tell him I want to rim him and get him on the bed face down. I dive in and he’s got this great musuclar bubble butt which he flexes a bit. It makes his butt seem really hot, but does make it a bit difficult to get in there and properly rim him. He loves getting rimmed - and I do it for a while until my dick is totally hard and then kept rimming him some more (nice hole…)

When I’m finally done rimming him he says it’s been a long time since someone’s eaten his ass as well as that, which to me is a little sad - he should have his ass eaten all the time…

So then I fuck him with his legs in the air… Then he wants to ride me, so we do that for a while. Felt really good - there was a certain way he rode my dick that massaged the top of my dickhead just right… Then we swapped up again (forget the position). Then when I put him on his belly I rimmed him again. Then fucked him some more, then rimmed him some more… etc.

While I got pretty close to cumming when I had him on his belly, the orgasm just didn’t cum. He was hungry to get fucked and rimmed though… The kid’s insatiable…

So while I’m really disappointed he didn’t get my load, it was a fun fuck.

This afternoon he’s shooting a video for Dick Wadd. We talked a bit about his “job” - that he used to do 2 or 3 shoots a month a couple years ago, but now he’s only done two so far this year and one was a tickle film which he wasn’t really into (he just wants to get fucked and seeded). We also talked about where he lived, what’s he’s studying in college, and then he asked questions about what I did. I told him about my regular job and then told him about the blog…

And for the record… While I’ve heard people say he’s messy and has a drug problem, I didn’t see any of that. The light from the window was bothering his eyes, so he might have done something last night when he was at Steamworks, but all in all he seemed well put together and just a nice, normal guy…

So I get ready and head over to Steamworks. Nice place. Didn’t know what to expect with so many leathermen in town so at first I didn’t really get out of my leather gear. Then after about 30 seconds I realize everyone is in just a towel so I get out of my leather and just blend in…

The place was packed… “Blackout Night” wasn’t all that dark, but it was still hot… There were no rooms available and long waitlists to get one. It wasn’t a big deal for me since I don’t really need a room being a top. So I walked around… The place has a wonderfully confusing floor plan. Oddly enough despite the fact that all the rooms were taken, most had closed doors… They have a lot of gloryholes set up for sucking - probably a bit too many. Curiously what they didn’t have was a video room… There was a TV room with CNN on the TV, but no porn videos anywhere. That meant there really wasn’t a sexual place to relax and jack off if you had a locker, which given how tired I was a bit of an issue.

I look for bottoms laying on their bellies and, unlike the other night at Flex, there were plenty to chose from. Two in particular stood out - room 128 (who I thought was the hottest bottom there), and room 202 who wiggled his ass at me and seemed really eager. (If you were there and trying to figure out who I’m talking about - it was the guys in those rooms around midnight.) The guy in room 128 was this smooth Latino and/or American Indian guy who had a beautiful smooth ass that he spread really well - showing off his hole. He seemed interested in me, but changed his mind when I got in the room. It bummed me out for a second then I let it slide…

So I went back to the guy in room 202. He turned out to be Latino (couldn’t tell from the door) and he had the smoothest butt and hole… It was really a wonderful thing. He started by sucking my dick, then I rimmed him, then I fucked him while he had one leg on the floor and one on the bed. His hole felt wonderful… It was all silky (I’m pretty sure it was from loads). Then I repositioned him on the bed on his belly and fucked him that way… I was alternating pounding him pretty hard and then gently…

That went on for a while and then he asked me if I came. I said ‘no’, and I wasn’t sure if I could, so he wanted to take a break… Given that I’d already cum twice today it was no big deal. I felt like I got close at one point with him, but close doesn’t count when it comes to giving loads…

I walked around a bit more and saw the bottom I fucked and then saw at the bar laying on his belly in room 230… After our talk, I knew what that meant…

I continued on and discovered the sauna which was this complicated labyrinth that was pretty cool. I could tell my time there was ending - as much as I tried when I jacked off in the steamroom I just couldn’t get completely hard…

I walked around a bit more and saw a bottom on all fours. Went in (he barely turned his head to see who I was), and after feeling his sloppy hole I rimmed him. That usually gets me hard, but it didn’t that time, so I put my towel back on walked around one last time.

As I was getting my clothes on I see the bottom (who I fucked, ran into in the bar, and saw laying on his belly). I asked if he was in room 230, he said ‘yeah’. He told me two guys had fucked him and they both pounded him for a long time. I thought he said they unloaded deep in him, but this morning he sent me an e-mail and said he got fucked a lot last night, but doesn’t think he took any loads, even though he really wanted to… I asked “did you ask any questions?” He said “no”… He knows the implications of what it means to be a negative bottom face down in a packed bathhouse taking loads… He’s made his choice…

After winding things up with him I headed out and went back to the hotel…

I’m laying here this morning trying to get a handle on all the e-mails on BarebackRT. Started the morning off with 22 unanswered e-mails and it’s taking forever to clear them ’cause new ones keep coming in… Don’t know that I’m even going to bother with Manhunt - have more than I can deal with just using BarebackRT.

This is what the view is from the 29th floor of the west tower at the Hyatt Regency (host hotel for IML)…

Not bad, eh?

The only problem with the hotel is the toilet paper is about as soft as sandpaper and the wireless Internet connection is really slow…

Over a year ago now a fan from the blog contacted me. Turns out he’s located somewhere I get to on a fairly regular basis, so we chatted a bit more… Then when I first started thinking about going to IML he was the one who wrote and told me his experience coming for the first time last year. So in a way, he is one of the reasons why I decided to come.

Anyway, we’ve been in contact ’cause he wanted my load when I got here. He’s a neg bottom who’s trying hard to stick to neg tops… So when I got in, I sent him an e-mail with my room number and when he got in he contacted me…

I gotta say, the online sites are a bit overwhelming… It’s like everyone wants to fuck! Especially BarebackRT - it’s crazy how many people are e-mailing me (and I don’t think it’s just me - I think it’s the event)…

Anyway, so the guy came over… He had sent me pics and I sorta wondered if he was my type, and I was pleasantly surprised when he walked through the door - considerably better than his pics. Not that his pics were inaccurate, it’s just he looks good in person… Curiously, he didn’t have a stitch of leather on him.

He seemed to like what he saw as well, and we started kissing right inside the door. Then I got him further into the room and he got on his knees and I fished my dick out of my pants (easier said than done when you’re wearing chaps over jeans), and he started sucking my dick.

I had warned him I didn’t know how things would go - I was tired, hungry, and I had cum earlier (and I hadn’t taken any pills), but there were no problems. Got pretty hard (not crazy hard, but hard enough)… He did a good job on my dick and I started feeling up his ass…

It’s been a while since I’ve been around the leather crowd (the leather scene is pretty much dead in NY), but I do know you’re faking it if you get out of your leather first thing when you’re having sex… So I stayed completely clothed while he got completely naked and got on the bed.

I rimmed him for a while, then stood up, put some spit on my dick and shoved in. He had no problem taking it and we fucked like that for a while with him on all fours on the edge of the bed. Felt good being in his hole.

Then I pushed him forward so he was laying on the bed. The sensation was interesting. You wouldn’t think you could feel the effect of leather on a naked body when you’ve got a layer of denim between you and the leather, but I could… It felt really cool… I started egging him on about him liking raw dick and he gave it back to me many times over saying how he wanted me to whore him out, how he just wanted to take loads all weekend and be a cum dump… It got me going and soon enough I unloaded in his ass…

The orgasm was a little weird. I felt the orgasm, but nothing came out, then right at the end the cum came… One way or the other he got my load… He was happy - it was his first load at IML and he’d been wanting my load for a while…

We then laid in bed and talked for a while… About all sorts of stuff. What he did for a living, IML, how he had recently gotten back into taking loads and how he really wanted this weekend to be all about him getting fucked and taking loads, but how it was hard to find neg tops…

So it was a good first IML hookup, and appropriate that he is part of the reason why I’m here.

I’m wiped from all the driving and not getting good sleep last night, so I think I’ll take a nap and then check out Steamworks - it’s supposed to be blackout night…

Seriously, it’s a big, huge 5 day orgy with lots of leathermen at a major hotel. It’s my first time going so I’m not completely sure how it will go… My concern is that there will be more ass to fuck than I could possibly ever get around to. I mean I only cum once or twice a day… Still, it will be fun.

Part of me would love to host a bottom boy and watch him take loads all weekend, but that’s not exactly easy to arrange. I mean lots of guys will say they want to do it, but how many will actually follow through? And it’s a big commitment. What if we don’t really get along all that well?

So I think it’s more realistic to just hookup with bottoms that I find there and see how things go. Still, I’d love to whore out a bottom boy and watch him take dicks and loads… Maybe I could do that with a few guys… Like a different slut each night? So if any of you guys are interested, contact me… Just to be clear I’m partial to younger, shorter, thinner guys…

The other thing that’s going on is that the guys from Bareback That Hole (and soon Felch That Hole) will be filming that weekend. If you’re a top and interested in fucking either Fred Mayer or Jack Manhole, get in contact with Ricky Raunch (rickyraunch@hotmail.com) and tell him you heard about it from rawTOP. I intend to give Fred Mayer a load (on film) - should be fun…

I’ll be bringing my video camera and shooting some amateur stuff for here. If you’ll be there and want my load, one of the best ways to make sure it happens is to tell me you’ll let me videotape it when you contact me. Same thing goes if you want me to whore you out… Let me videotape it and I’ll be a lot more interested…

Now I just have to figure out whether I’ll drive out or fly. I like road trips and if I drive it would be two days each way with a stop in Cleveland at Flex (a huge complex with a bathhouse and a hotel, among other things). But that’s 1600 miles of driving and $250 in gas… I would get someone to drive with me, but what if I don’t like them? I’ve had mixed experiences with ride sharing…

The other issue is what to wear… I went to David Menkes Monday to figure out what what my options were (I’ve gotten too big for a lot of my leather gear). [Hint, there's an old pic of me on that site...] I tried on some used chaps and vests he had lying around, but nothing really fit properly… I’m going back for a fitting next week - going to have him make me a pair of chaps and a vest… BTW, if you’re considering leather clothing - always have it custom made by someone like David. It’s better quality and about the same price as you’d pay for “decent” stuff at a leather store.

IML should be a lot of fun… I’m looking forward to how much ass I’ll get to fuck…

If you haven’t heard of IML - it’s the premier leather competition - this will be the 30th year. Leather title holders from come from all over to compete to be named “IML - International Mr. Leather”. For attendees it’s one of the top events for the leather community. If you’re in the leather lifestyle this is when you get to prance around a top notch hotel for days on end in nothing but leather. Just want to wear a leather jock strap? No problem…

But it’s also a great place to have sex. Some people have described it as one huge orgy. Even things that don’t involve actual sex are sexually charged… And over the last 10+ years apparently it’s become not just a big orgy, but a big bareback orgy. It’s a major event for “take all loads” bottoms…

Reasons To Go…

• Up to 5 days of as much sex as I could want
• There will be a lot of bareback bottoms available to fuck - some of which should be incredibly hot
• It will be good to be back in the leather and S/M community - been away for far too long
• Should be a fair number of opportunities to felch loads
• Could probably arrange to share the room with a cumhole and watch him take loads all weekend (and then felch them out of his ass)

Reasons To Not Go…

• Probably need Cialis or Viagra to keep up and not feel like I’m missing out
• I’m not a social butterfly and won’t have a group of friends to hang out with - could be weird socially
• While it’s not crazy expensive, it’s not a cheap vacation either
• I don’t fit into a lot of my old leather anymore - need new stuff (more money)

So, I’m just not sure… I feel like it’s one of those things I should do at least once… I just want to buy a little leather, find a way to get some Cialis, go, and enjoy myself - both sexually and in terms of getting back into leather and s/m. On the other hand I’m a bit afraid I won’t feel like it was worth it when it’s all said and done…

What do you guys think? Should I go? Any suggestions for the “male enhancement” issue and the social issue? Any of you gone by yourself before? How friendly are people to complete strangers? Any hot cumhole bottoms want to share a room?

Hey, i was reading your blog and saw that you’re thinking of going to IML this year. I’d recommend it … i went last year on my own, for the first time, and had a blast. I’m going again this year, already booked the room and the flight.

About the social thing … i was on my own, but men were definitely friendly to me, and there are so many guys there that there’s always someone to talk to, flirt, hook up with, etc. it was a bit of a trial for me to try and meet new guys, be more social, and it was a total success, but it’s really just a good, warm welcoming vibe anyway so it’s easy to be friendly. and to be honest, i’d spent some time on some of the more leather sites … www.recon.com and www.bigmusclebears.com … and i recognized a lot of the guys there and made some dates in advance and all that worked well.

As for sex … it is the USA after all, and it wasn’t the total orgy/bathhouse experience i was expecting, to be honest. i love drinking piss and thought i’d spend an afternoon in the cans near the leather marketplace, but the hotel staff were policing the cans pretty thoroughly and not much was going on, which was a real drag. I heard even some people were threatened to be kicked out for public sex. But there was enough going on, you could walk around the hotel floors and pick guys up, or doors were left ajar, or messages on doors to walk in, that kind of thing, but it wasn’t as much a free-for-all as i’d expected. there were some bareback parties that i knew about, but the trick is to find out about them beforehand. i didn’t go to them because i was worried about the safety thing (i’m still confirmed negative, so have to be picky about who dumps inside me), but i did let one chicago guy i’d chatted with beforehand dump in me, and we already got a date for next time to do it again.

It was a great time … it’s really one of those absurd summer camp bonding type experiences, you have to suspend any sense of irony and just enjoy the testosterone and the sex. i even had a great IML/summer camp romance thing with a big ol’ raunchy fucker daddy type that was totally hot and totally sweet. and i met a lot of guys from where i live that i’d seen around but had to go to chicago to actually get to know them, and now hang around with a few of them still. So it’s just a great good time, you should definitely go and enjoy. and i’m happy to answer any other questions you might have (as a second-year IML goer) … and of course happy to take your load any time!!

I wrote back asking whether it was worth it to go for all 5 nights…

yes, definitely. last year i went from wednesday to monday, so missed the last closing out party … getting there a day early was nice to just sort of ease into it. i also had the chance to go out in the city a few times just to hang out, i think it would be kind of sad to spend 5 full days in a hotel in chicago without seeing some of the city. and this time i want to spend a few hours at the baths one night, my buddy went last year and said it was pretty intense there. there’s a lot to cram in!

this year i’m going thursday to tuesday, all 5 nights. and i’m bringing a laptop with me this time too, lots of guys were hooking up or finding out about parties online.

So given what he said, I think I may try to go…